[[*---Still I Rise---*]]

Saturday, February 28, 2004

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Went out last night...had a few too many Hangovers suck!! That'll teach me Someone pass the tylenol and a coke Oh, by the way....was I nice to you last night Ken?!?! hehe

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Sunday, February 22, 2004

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Why is society so hung up on intimacy? The only way to be intimate is to be having sex. That's the prevailing viewpoint, and I think people are so depriving themselves of truly intimate moments, of talking for hours about all kinds of things, of baring one's soul to another, of just being in the presence of someone so close. That's intimacy.

I still have my two month old niece. Looks like it's going to be longer than two weeks. The docs have decided to go ahead with the open heart surgery. When the cardiologist was asked how large her heart is (since she only weighs 6 lbs.) his response, "about as big as a thumb nail" Now I'm looking at my thumb nail and that's some SCARY SHIT!! I just wish we could get all this past us.

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Saturday, February 21, 2004

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One of the things I absolutely HATE is having a friend whose girlfriend I absolutely can't stand. I end up being torn between two strong feelings: in the first place, I definitely DO want to hang out with my friend (we'll call him S1), but then again, I can't STAND his girlfriend (actually, his friend that he happens to do the dirty dance with, who we'll call S2). So what do I do? The "noble" thing, of course, would be to force myself to endure S2's nasally whine, her incessant whispering in S1's ear (what could you possibly say to him that you couldn't to the rest of the room, considering everyone knows every detail of your sex life, down to the asslicking fetish you have? hmmm?), and even her continual attempts to interject in conversations with inane (and usually irrelevant) commentary? Or do I just not hang out?

Probably the latter, since it's easier, and laziness is my strong trait.

Thing that is pissing me off today: The continued battle over same-sex marriages!! GET OVER IT!

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Thursday, February 19, 2004

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Gearing up for another long night. I took two weeks off in hopes to get my discussion ready for class and to keep my niece ..who's twin just had heart surgery yesterday. It seems the latter of the two is the only thing I've managed to accomplish. What kind of schedule is she on anyway??? Eating every three hours?!?! I'm really getting frustrated b/c I wanted to get so much more accomplished in my two weeks off..but doesn't look like it's gonna happen. Snap out of it, Tara. Face it..move on. hehe Moving on has been one thing I'm glad to say I've finally mastered. Why stay w/ someone who's going to hold you back from accomplishing everything you ever had dreams of accomplishing? Oh well...I'm not and that pleases me to the core of my being. No sleep in 48 hours yet I can't stop smiling. That, along with the sunshine and 65 degree weather makes it nice for my daily jog. Bring on summertime.

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Monday, February 16, 2004

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A day in the life. Today was monday, so i thought id reward myself and start off the week well by waking up late...so I woke up at 8:45. Blah. But by the time i started really doing anything, it was already 11 so I headed up to sproul, that incredible vacuum of timewasting...

I met these two girls recently, one from athens, the other from atlanta. Individually and together, they are two of the strangest people I've ever known; I'd characterize them as "inbred" if anything, having their own slang, their own shit they talk about, shit nobody else really understands. And their sheltered upbringing's obvious from the way they act. The thing that disturbs me most is how they "talk ghetto" (their term) and see it as something unbelievably entertaining, and laugh at their poor imitations of "ghetto people." I've been trying to pinpoint what exactly it is that bothers me so much, and I guess its on a number of levels. For one, the whole idea of thinking that people who talk a certain way/dress a certain way/etc. exist for entertainment's sake is horribly disturbing to me. I mean, the idea that "ghetto" people are funny is disgusting. To me, there isnt much funny about areas people consider "ghetto," because, by and large, there's mad fucked up shit going on there, ppl losing lives quickly (guns/violence) or slowly (crack/alcohol/heroin/etc) and its just...sad. I dunno, I just dont see much entertaining about people getting fucked up.

And the whole idea of everyone "in the ghetto" speaking a certain way is preposterous in itself.

What about poor areas overseas? The subsistence farms represent another kind of poverty, where people barely scrape by enough to eat every day. In fact, both of these two girls (and that IS what they are, girls, not women, at least not yet) come from similar places, where poverty is rampant...yet for some reason, because they've "made it" (or their parents have made it) poor people are funny.

So on sproul I sit and write a lecture for my discussion section thats due in two weeks and in the process, talk with a few ppl about my future plans...it feels like there's twenty ppl standing around my head, each yelling into my ears to do this or to do that. I cant even really get the space to make a decision about whatever it is I want to do. Whatever I do, I know it doesn't consist of staying where I am now.

I need musical therapy.

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Sunday, February 08, 2004

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Ah, its coming, Valentines Day. You know, VDay has never depressed me, and I don't see why this year should be different. Then again, I've never actually been alone on VDay either :-). I suppose the tradition is to either get laid or drunk; since I have no love of my life, eff the laid, and since I'm trying to behave, there goes the getting drunk part.

I think I'm a posterchild for substance dependence, not because I'm addicted to anything (that I know of) but because I could SO EASILY be addicted. Even worse, its because I look at it like an escape, which is exactly what drugs and alcohol SHOULDN'T be, because that's what makes it so easy to fall into the trap.

At any rate, Guys....Don't forget to order the flowers!! ;-)

pass the daquiri's

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Thursday, February 05, 2004

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I'm gonna get money back from the IRS...hmm, what to do with it? Have some FUN for sure. Right, like I'll do that.

So, I sat up last night trying to write my paper on capital punishment. For some reason, even putting it off until the last minute didn't pressure me enough to put words on paper. So, I changed my topic. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the morality of suicide bombings, and it really seems to me that if there's no other way to retaliate against someone fucking up your life, it isn't morally wrong. Maybe a little on the shady side, but I don't think I could say its completely wrong--its revolting in really the only way available.

Would I do it if I was there? That's the question. Its easy to say in hypothetical terms that one would fight in war, not fight in war, and all that, but to really really consider something like a suicide bombing (again, ONLY if I was a palestinian in palestine fighting against israelis in palestine) I truly believe I would do it. Because the more I think about it, the more it seems to me like I really have nothing to live for. Nobody to live for. So if I was in those circumstances, I think I'd really prefer having something to die for rather than having nothing to live for....so I would choose death.

Even now, sometimes I feel death breathing down my neck. "Live life as one already dead."

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Wednesday, February 04, 2004

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I went to a poetry class today, and saw an attractive lesbian. That is, attractive until she began speaking; I doubt I've encountered that amount of bitchiness ever in my life. In fact, she took bitchiness to a whole new level, yet, freakishly, I found that attractive. I mean, come on, bitch at me please! hehe Okay, half a day wasted; it's time to work.

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