Wow...I've now reached new depths of patheticism!! For those of you who keep tabs on me through my blog...thanks. 
Unfortunately, for now, my blogging days are going to be temporarily expired. I've been saying I was leaving for awhile now....and I think it's finally time I took that next step for ME!!! The trial that most of you know about that has been going on for four years now is finally over and I'm ready to put it all behind me. In order to do this, I need a new beginning and that's what I'm in search of. Not quite sure if I'll find it...not even sure I know what I'm looking for. All I know is that I'm ready for this change in my life!!!! I'll check email periodically... ugapeach04@yahoo.com And I will respond whenever I have a chance. But for awhile, there will be no time for blogging. Goodbye my blog!! hehe 
When you fuck up so bad in life, or you let someone else fuck up your life....sometimes it feels like you cant go on. I mean, it feels like the whole world collapses around me at times, and I think...how the fuck can I wake up tomorrow and live my life? Would it be better to just cut off that whole part of me and my life that destroys anything I really care about? Why care if in the end its just heartbreak?
But the next day, I get up, and live my life.
The voices came whispering again last night while I was lying in my bed. I thought I heard them say my name and then their laughter rustled deep inside my head. They didn’t seem to know I was awake, listening to every word they said. I tried to block them out, but couldn’t make them go away. The voices asked why I’d lost my mind. My hands began to shake. I heard them mention shock treatments, and sigh. Their murmurs kept me up all night, and then a silence fell when sunlight filled the sky….. Today the voices will be gone, but when evening falls and I lie back in my bed, I’ll hear them come whispering again.
Sorry I've been neglecting my blog lately. Too much shit going on around here!! Let's see.....a trial, my niece having yet another heart surgery, so my mom and I have been juggling her twin, another trip to Egleston (not only to see my neice, but to take my own to the ER) which the lawyers find to be VERY helpful during the trial. I, on the other hand, think it sux! Anyway, didn't want certain ppl to think I've offed myself b/c of them, ignored them, or whatever.....For now, I'm think I'm going incommunicado.
Good day today. Spent most of the day doing absolutely nothing, then drove for 30 mins. just for one class. Now that I think about it, it was total waste of time. Wasting time learning shit like it was Freud who introduced the (probably baseless) notion of "penis envy" to the world, his assertion that women suffered from jealousy when it comes to a penis. I believe I have penis envy. Actually, I probably don't (hearing horror stories dissuades me from that), but it does sound funny. Well, I'm babbling so I guess I'd best go before I really become a critic......
During class, people continually interrupted the poor first-year professor, pointing out certain points of his guidelines they didn't like. It got to the point where it was incredibly frustrating for me to keep sitting there, because I couldn't understand why, if trying not to use adverbs for example is a problem, they couldn't just leave. Or why its "wrong" to criticize a poem because it's art; even art, I believe, can be improved. The notion that some things are above analysis or criticism, that they're somehow sacred, is just something I don't find myself agreeing with. Of course...that's only my opinion, others may know something I don't. (like talking to yourself is much safer than talking aloud)
It sucks when I call four different people cuz I really need someone to talk to, and none of them are available...out partying or just not picking up. Whateva. It's 2am and I'm really having an anxiety attack trying to figure out who got kicked off of American Idol tonight. I can't believe I fell asleep!!!! Anyway, if any of you bloggers out there can be of any assistance, I'd really like to know....I'm sure it will be published on the website sometime soon....but i really need to know NOW!! 
True Meaning of Friendship djcilluminati: Irish people drool! Blacks and Italians Rule!!!! ugapeach04: you're such a racist
djcilluminati: lol
djcilluminati: i have to take a dump, wanna wipe my ass??
ugapeach04: go to hell
djcilluminati: lol u'd be surprised at how many girls have said "yes"
Whoa. Don't know what was going on w/ that last entry. 
Literally.....Knock, knock, knocking on Heaven's door
After an indescribably night, I got in bed at 7 in the morning and tried to sleep, futilely, for four hours, before I just gave up. I spent most of the day just sitting/lying on my bed, looking outside, and feeling anxious. I havent had anxiety in several months, so it was pretty unpleasant. Not quite sure why I'm allowing this particular person to cause me so much anxiety...it's just totally overwhelming. I mean, I've talked alot about soul mates and stuff....but....I dunno.
I'm scared. I don't want to hurt, and I don't want to be hurt. I spent a few hours reading poems and writings that I thought would help me get beyond this fear, but again, the only thing really that keeps hitting me over and over (and has, in all these desparate situations) is "all things are dear that disappear". That's truth right there. And if turns out to be the truth this time...I'm seriously DONE!!
I feel like such a fish out of water when it comes to things like this...I'm supposed to be patient, sarcastic, smooth, funny, personable, interesting, all these adjectives, but I'm like the giddy girl in high school. Hell, even more akwardly, a school girl on a first date. Just thinking, should I do this... did I do that... was it too this or that, completely fucking insecure all of a sudden. It sucks. Normally I would just chill and use my infamous words, "fuck it"....but something won't allow me to do that this time. I can't put my finger on what it is....but I'm gonna torture myself until I figure it out. And I WILL figure it out.
I hate not having a definitive resolution to all this worry. The only thing I can and have decided is that I'm just gonna have to go with the flow, but never jeopardize friendship because certain people are just too fucking amazing to let stupid shit get in the way. There just arent many people I relate to, and I'd say, hmm, none that I relate too THIS much.
After all the thinking, I think I know how I'm gonna prepare everyone for the move... I might just have to bite the bullet then get a "job with benefits" with little to no "cash" pay, because my dreams and goals, that shit requires NO GREEN.
Here I go again with the positive thoughts.....thoughts that just a few nights ago were going to be a much easier step than I'm feeling right now. Who knows...maybe this is just another one of those rituals of the friends come and go thing, guess I'll just have to wait and see. Then again, I could be totally overreacting and worrying w/ a ferocious amouth of fear. But THIS is the kind of fear that really scares me. THIS fear is the kind that gets me into trouble. I keep telling myself to have a little faith, but I've been there way too many times.
I can't stop hearing those words....."all things are dear that disappear".... Gotta get control of the emotions, gotta get back in the "fuck it" mood and lose all meaning of the word hope. Yeah...that's what I gotta do, forget.
Nice day today. Worked out, worked a little, and had some time to myself to think about life, or, more specifically, my life. How much things have changed in the past few months, how many people I've met recently that I truly like. And thought long and hard about leaving this town and not feeling so guilty about it... its somewhat superficial, I know, but still, feeling like a failure is not fun.
Not that I felt like a failure today. I just thought about feeling like a failure, and how self-destructive its made me. Drugs are NOT good for the soul.
Some of this came about from hanging out with Jen and Ashley. It was interesting to see almost like having two worlds collide, the old and the new, and thankfully it wasnt so strange...though SOMEONE seemed intimidated. Who wouldn't be, I suppose. But we just went to lunch, then went back to Jen's awesome apt (which makes me incredibly jealous, not only because of location, but because its so cozy and positive) while the two of them sipped wine and we all talked. About everything. Explaining situations to other people is sometimes pretty hard for me to do, but sometimes sharing certain things w/ people outside really helps me clarify how i feel about them, ( not really THEM, but the person I'm sharing this info about) so this was definitely a good conversation. It was real cool though, just chillin with good friends.
Had a few words with Jen about how i feel about some stuff, but i dont think i articulated it correctly. Being honest is so tough, because sometimes i dont allow myself to be honest TO MYSELF, which in turn translates to not being honest with others. Need to work on that a bit. And she astutely pointed out my tendency to care what others think; like being sure to clarify things that are obvious to those who know me. Bad fault, I know, working on it.
And lastly I realized (after hearing over and over and trying not to really believe it) what I like about relationships--the intimacy of complete comfort and security with someone, not having hangups about anything because you KNOW they'll accept everything about you unconditionally... that's really the awesomest part. And I miss that.
Relationships/Friendships either/or neither/nor. Another person that I become close to, share my painful life history, and then consider a friend comes into my life, and again the same pattern, the same rituals, just with a different person. Its a near-constant reminder of my own codependance and how little success I'm having in my life to break that codependance I've tried so hard to break. Why can't I learn to be independant and not need anyone. Not needing someone on the terms of financially...but emotionally, physically. Why do I feel the constant need to have someone to make me feel special. Maybe it's because I'm hoping they can fill the void in my life that I somehow can't fill myself? Maybe I'm just a spoiled brat and I want someone to spoil me, baby me, treat me like I'm loved and cared for. I mean...it's not like I wouldn't give as much to anyone and even more. I'm so full of love inside and I'd love to share it with someone who I know would appreciate it and in turn, give me the opportunity to show them appreciation of the love they have for me. What's so wrong about wanting to be treated like a special person ...on special occassions...or just a "just because" occassion?? Little things from the heart go so far, yet it seems no one is willing to take the time to do a little soul searching and make a little effort. Maybe I just want to be a princess put upon a pedestal. hehe But then again, maybe I'm just wanting that fairy tale life that only exist in the movies. I think I've been reading too many romance novels!! OH, one last thing.....Ken, thanks for the "Happy Valentine's Day!!" comment. It was the only one I got all day long...verbally or written! Even though I haven't mentioned it before, it meant a lot! 
Ken calls me a hypocrite for not taking my own advice and updating....so now, I'm gonna update. 
Now..what to talk about?? Oh, let's talk about the controversy of the accusations of performance-enhancing drugs!! 
According to Jeff Kent, this behavior is pure embarrassment to baseball and shows that there should be more integrity in the game. He also says that these "performance-enhancing" drugs are a form of cheating. I'm not going to sit here and say steroids are right, but to go as far as calling these athletes who have devoted their lives to a sport they enjoy 'cheating?' I just can't see it. So much pressure has been put on these athletes to succeed, and most of the time, at any cost. All I see is a lot of jealous people who haven't been as successful as others who are beginning to point the finger to the ones who have. How can we possibly protect the integrity of the game and our players when there is constant controversy over something as silly as the use of steroids, which wasn't even banned from the major leagues until 2002. Putting so much emphasis on this is going to kill the moral of some of the more experienced players who have become much more successful in their later years of baseball. Just because they are in their late 30's, are they not entitled to have their ten minutes of fame?? Now, everyone is going to judge these players (especially the older ones) on their physical appearance and not their physical facts. It's true, homers have gone up dramatically over the past few years and many records have been broken but is the reason for this evident or is it pure speculation?!?! Is it time for the entertainment of sports to stop being a form of competitive entertainment. Is it time for it to strickly be an event of finger pointing to a heavy, dedicated weight trainer and assume their success is from steroids. Unfortunately yes, the media and the fans will now see the successfull sluggers and conclude he is on performance enhanced drugs while the lighter and much skinnier guy isn't. Never mind the possible injuries, harder workouts or even better eating habits...just speculate and assume they are guilty by association with the game! Such bullshit!! Hmmmm, makes you wonder about Babe Ruth?!?! nahhh Maybe everyone should just stick to wrestling...at least we know wrestling is the REAL DEAL!! 
Name: "peach"
Bday: july 12
Sign: cancer
yahoo contact: ugapeach04
[[ My Adores ]]
I love the fingers of a baby, the pads on a puppies paw, and I adore you if you love your mom! I love homemade ice-cream, bubblegum, daisies and handwritten things.
Food: pizza
Drinks: dr. pepper
Pastimes: music
People: diverse
[[ My Detests ]]
I hate feeling alone, feeling like I'm being chased, air blown directly in my face!
People: dramatic
Things: birds
Food: meats
[[ My History ]]
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aheadau
AmericanGirl
banzai descent
Biggus Dickus
butterflys-flutter-bys
chester
foreverfooled
He eats peaches for love
in my life
intellectualsuperbeast
Mernie
mizlicious
rico
Smelt at school
techieidiot
the manda is nuts
The Missing Screw
the rucker
the saga continues
under surveillance
untitled
uponthesoapbox
[[ Credits ]]