Jay often talks about the "gnawing loneliness" he feels as he goes through life without a significant other. I never really understood what that was about. Now...I'm beginning to understand what he meant by gnawing loneliness, if only coz I know that soon, I'll be in the same place. Alone.
Thankfully most of my anxiety about it is all gone. I'm comfortable now, and although I see this impending "doom" coming at me, I'm okay with it. I want to enjoy talking with Jay as much as I can, because of the finite time left. But it seems like sweezing time from him isn't going to be easy, because he has other obligations, especially to his family, which are more important. So whatever dosages I can get I'm gonna enjoy.
Scattered thoughts -i was walking to the car when i looked into the distance by a field and saw a wheelchair bound couple being affectionate. they looked so intimate all alone and in love. it was super sweet. tonight was actually a good night. went out to eat, rode around talking, came home to watch a movie but fell asleep. i would warn you what movie NOT to watch, but i always fall asleep during movies..so it's no indication as to whether or not it's a good movie or a bad one. jay says i need to learn to love ''nature''. ugh, what does that mean? just because i keep forgetting to water flowers in this dreadful heat, he says i'm being cruel to mother nature.
-forcing myself to park FAR from my destination has been healthful and therapeutic.
-i love oranges!
-i cannot get fewer than 4 hours of sleep because it's killing me.
-i wondered what life was like without headaches.
-navigation of electronic wheelchairs in tight spaces DOES NOT look easy!
-bus drivers need to be paid more, they are a disgruntled bunch.
-on the weekends, i need to be around people who don't drool, poke twigs in their ears, or scream at random.
whateva!!
Damn that Roller coaster! Sometimes it is just so appealing, irresistible and fun that it's hard to stay off. Even though I'm on meds, I still find myself back on it. The only difference is it's not the same roller coaster now. Instead of being the giant one with the full 360 degree loops and five story high ups and downs, I'm on the kiddie roller coaster that rides lower to the ground and doesn't fly so high up into the air. Often I'm not aware that I'm back on it until I'm halfway through the ride and I realize I'm at the front pulling along all the cars behind me. those cars represent all the projects I've started, all the responsibilities and commitments I've accepted and the weight and burden of them all pulling me slower and slower to a STOP! So, I'm riding along, my mind racing with my internal list of things that must be done --all at once of course-- compounded by all my wonderful new ideas that I either start or add to my future list of "to dos". I'm also not sleeping enough (that's another story in itself) and I'm burning both ends of the candle. "So what's so different about that? Everyone these days lives like that." Yes, that's true. But for me it's very dangerous to allow myself to live like that. It's like teasing the resting cat long enough until it finally jumps up at you and nails you with its sharp claws and you start to bleed..... How do I get off this crazy ride? When I'm that far gone, it usually takes total physical and mental exhaustion where I hit a brick wall and I am forced to stop. I can't go any further. I can't do one more thing. I am in tears and on the edge of depression. I can't think one more thought, and even my fingers won't type on the keyboard. Then I step off, look at the ride and tell myself, "I just can't do that again! It's no good for me!" Today wasn't a roller coaster day...today I felt myself falling back into that deep pit of self destruction. Hopefully I'll wake up in the morning and find all this to be a dream. It can't be happening again...it just can't! It's only been a month..it's too soon!!
Just one of those days when you wanna be all alone. a few thousand blinks later, it's getting a little better.
After going to bed a little past midnight i woke up some time in the wee hours of the morning and my right eye was swollen to the point of almost not being able to open it. i wanted to say it was allergies but my left eye was not swollen and i thought these things happened in pairs-- eye inflammations. maybe not? apparently not! anyway, i forced myself to shower thinking that the steam would somehow help. you know, as a child when you have severe congestion your mom always wants to put you in the bathroom, close the door, turn the hot water on all allow the vapors of the steam help you be less congested. for some reason, i thought that sounded good and may possibly help a swollen eye, but it didnt get any better. i was loathing the fact that i look like a freakin comic villain.
Whatever am I going to do with Tooter?!?! I think he's really fallen off the deep end. Not only is he dancing in tu-tu's, but NOW he's showing up at my front door trying to play match maker!! I think he's using these acts in desperate attempts to forget about the woman who left him. Just yesterday the doorbell rang and I asked very polietly, "who is it?". I heard nothing. A little louder, I asked, "WHO IS IT?"....I heard a faint and very timid voice say, "Cupid". Obviously I laughed because it isn't exactly the season for Cupid. I heard the shy voice say, "This is Cupid, may I come in?" By this time, I've called my friend Jay to the door. Jay: Who's there? Man outside: Cupid. Jay: Man, whatever you're selling, we aren't interested. Man outside: Please, I need to come inside. Jay: WHO ARE YOU? Man outside: CUPID, I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU FIVE TIMES!! Jay: Don't get an attitude with me!! (Jay yells for me to call the police) Police arrive Police: Sir, can I get your name please? Man outside: Cupid, sir. Police: Look mister, I asked you a question. Man outside: And I answered, my name is Cupid. Police: Okay wise ass, I've got all day. Man outside: Good, so do I. (sits down and begins to play with his arrow) Police: Sir, do you have some form of id with you? Man outside: No, I'm Cupid. (Cupid accidently pokes himself w/ his own arrow) Police: Shall I get an ambulance for you, sir? Man outside: Look, I didn't come here looking for trouble....I've got a job to do!!! Police: Good, so do I. Man outside: Fine, you do your job and I'll do mine. Police: okay wiseass...you're asking for it..... **I run outside and find Tooter all dressed up in his Cupid attire and invite him inside** Me: Tooter, I've told you that Jay and I are only friends. We really appreciate your kindness, but we really are just friends. Tooter: But I got all dressed up and everything. Me: I know, and I'm sorry. Tooter, have you ever considered some form of grief counseling??? **Tooter gets mad, stomps to the door and leaves**
I'm wondering what on earth I'm doing awake at 3:10am. My second day out of school with an actual opportunity to sleep until noon if I want, and I'm up at 3 in the freakin' morning coz I can't sleep. Oh well, that's ususally the way it goes, huh? Now that Tooter has so graciously hung his hat on our 'blog war', I'm beginning to wonder if I remember how to blog. Reading back on some of my past entries, I've done quite a bit of ranting and shared some personal stories, but I've never been one to post pictures. For some reason this particular picture just made me laugh. And, in all reality, I couldn't think of anything to write about. 
Dear Tooter, It pleases me to the core of my being to know that you enjoyed my encore presentation of, "It Aint Over Till The Fat Man Dances". (sorry about the curlers) Although, I can't take my final bow without giving credit where credit is due. If it had not been for your lovely dance recital, I would have never been able to actually get through the song. Watching you gracefully prance across that stage was truely an inspiration. My friend, Jay captured this picture of you while you were "on your toes". I just thought I'd congratulate you and thank you for being such an inspiration!! Good Job!! Ahem: Elvis has left the building!!
TOOTER IN HIS TU-TU
FRIENDSHIP NEEDED; SAD MAN
This is a friend of mine named Tooter. He's a little down on his luck and he needs some cheering up. His beautiful partner just left him for another man and he is in dire needs of a true friend. This is the only picture I could find of him, but if he takes a bath and cleans himself up, he's really not a bad looking guy. He drives a garbage truck and makes a decent living for himself. He owns his own home, so that's definitely a plus. Of course sometimes he has a hard time finding a vacant lot to plug into. You know how those homes on wheels can be a pain sometimes?!?! He always seems to manage though. Anyway, he does go to the library sometimes and writes his own blog. Feel free to check it out and pay him a few nice and friendly comments. Honestly, he's a good guy! http://4oclocktrain.motime.com/
the deep painful scar i have on my knuckle, the bruises on my knee, and my scraped left hip tells me that i drank too much last night. the scary thing is that i don't remember how i got them. after a certain point, i was functioning but i honestly have little memory. i remember shopping for new living room accessories, then going to eat with my friend Jay at a mexican restaurant where they had some delicious margaritas. i remember leaving there and jay wanted to stop by his nightclub. i was sitting at a table minding my own business just talking with some friends, then i don't remember much after that. i was told that i fell from running away from a fight- a fight between a big samoan woman and some dude. she and her big samoan brother were beating some man unconscious. so naturally, the good passive friends that i had sitting with me bolted across the street and i followed. but since i could barely stand, i guess i stumbled and then skidded, leaving behind lots of precious skin on the asphalt. the one on my knuckle is pretty UGLY! i'm surprised i don't have blood stains all over my clothes because i should! i was told that i peed behind some bushes somewhere downtown. i don't remember. they said we almost got hit by a car going the wrong way down a one way street. i don't remember. jay was pretty pissed, with good reason, when i finally returned b/c i left w/o telling him anything. he said we stopped several times on the side of the road so i could puke. i don't remember. even last night as he was trying to hang my new curtains, I was still not 100%.
before i'd left for the club i had already had a few shots and some crown and sprite. i had previously thought that was my breaking point. i was feeling really good. good enough. but then 3 mixed drinks, a pitcher or margaritas and a shot later and you can consider the night totally erased.
i suck for drinking that much but i'm thankful for having good friends that take good care of me. 
thanks Jay!
Thanks you guys for all your positive feedback about the public school system. I have nothing against Catholic schools and the "unknown visitor" really hit a nerve with me when he dissed the public schools. I won't make this a lengthy blog because I think enough has been said about this issue. I just wanted to give a great big THANK YOU and huggs to all who jumped to my defense!! Thanks bunches!! xoxoxo
A special thanks to all nine of you who left such positive comments on my last blog. I was very disturbed by the last comment that I received, left by none other than.... an unlogged visitor. Even though I left my own personal comment to this person in my comment section, I thought his post deserved a little recognition. Obviously he's looking for a little attenion since his catholic school friends aren't giving him any satisfaction, so this particular blog and comment section is dedicated especially to the Catholic School Boy!!! Feel free to leave your comments....I'm just curious to see how many of you share his same views: Comment: to bad the majority of them will eventually become thugs, drug dealers and prisoners. The public school system doesn't help kids out, it only fucks them up. Unlogged visitor (Proud member of the Catholic school circle) @ 20:31 on May 20, 2004
what a great day today. with only two more days until school is out, my kids (in my classroom) totally surprised me on more than one occassion. first of all, i was walking to my classroom this morning and when i got to the hall that leads to my classroom, there were streamers, balloons, and a huge banner than read, "Thanks For A Great Year Mrs. C." I was in total shock. I slowly walked down the hall when I noticed my classroom door was covered!! another banner which read, "we couldn't have made it w/o you" balloons and all of my 26 students had signed their name. by this time i was in tears. later in the morning, the kids handed me a beautifully decorated envelope which contained handwritten letters from each of my kids. of course, after reading all of these, there was no make left on my face. i thought to myself about how lucky i was to be blessed with such wonderful and thoughtful students. (these are 3rd graders!!) they had totally caught me off guard and i was completely overwhelmed. about 10 o'clock I got a phone call from the school principal who asked me to come to the office because I had a phone call from a parent. i walked to the office where i was told the parent had to get off the phone and she would call right back. i waited for about ten minutes when I realized they weren't going to call back, so i decided to go back to my classroom. The door to my classroom was closed?!?! I NEVER close the door when I leave my classroom and my kids wouldn't have closed it without my permission. Hmmmmm. I also noticed the lights were out. Carefully, I opened my door, turned on my lights and was frightened by the loud, ''SUPRISE!!" In a matter of ten minutes, some parents had come into my room from the back door, decorated a table which contained a HUGE cake, a fruit tray, crackers, dip, vegetables...you name it, they had it. all the parents were telling me how great of a year their children had this past school year and how much I was going to be missed. i had such great students and wonderful parent participation this year. Today made me remember why I chose teaching as my profession. Not for the gifts, or banners, or surprises...but for the satisfaction of knowing that I, yes ME..can make just a tiny difference in these kids lives. Just remember....The kids of today, are our future. We all can make a difference!!!
why do my manic impulses tend to get the better of me? that inner yearning to scream sometimes escapes in excited yelps-- and for what? nothing. i think perhaps being manic is the condition of getting too excited over a whole lotta didd-lee.
i've recently noticed how different languages have different conversational bridges. i was reading something earlier and it seems the indian version of "huh" is "ji" or "na". and it's also interesting how the linguistic devices one utters to make time for the next thought, is cultural. for instance, the french or spanish "ehh" as opposed to the american "uhh". i wonder if sounds like "hmm" or "ummm" are particularly american english?
ok, this is why i don't ever get anything done.
i had a rather disturbing experience last night night, waiting in line at pizza hut. this big man behind me kept bumping into me, and i was just kind of ignoring it... then i get up to the cash register and he reaches up and adjusts the hood of my jacket on one side. so i turn around and give him this weird look, and pull my hood tighter around my neck. then he reaches up with two hands and starts adjusting the hood on both sides, so i reach up and tug the jacket away from him and move up closer to the register, though by this time he's standing really close to me. and i'm trying to order and pay and i feel his hands AROUND MY WAIST, so i turn around and say in this little voice, "um, what are you *doing*??" and he just smiles. and i finish paying and move way over along the counter and he reaches up and touches my shoulder really lightly and i move even further away, totally freaking out and not making eye contact, and finally i'm done ordering and i go out to the front door and make jay come in and sit with me while i wait (he was standing outside the whole time)... and the guy finally just walks out of the restaurant, but omg who fucking TOUCHES you like that standing behind you in a fucking PIZZA HUT.
jay was super good about it when i told him, and sat with me and made sure the guy had really left while we waited for my food, but it still freaked the shit out of me. partly because of what happened, but partly because i'd hope that in a situation like that i'd be able to manage something better than a squeaky little "um, what are you doing?" and a lame sidestep out of reach. something more like a kick to the nuts, and elbow to the ribs and a "get your fucking hands off me, asshole."
this is going to sound totally dumb, but i feel like last night was kind of a rude reality check, and i'm sitting here just feeling kind of vulnerable and freaked out. like i go any place, at all hours of the day and night, and i think i'll be fine: i think i've got my fair share of street smarts cuz i walk fast and with purpose and i'm aware of my surroundings... but really, when it comes down to it, i don't know how to throw a punch. what i'm trying to avoid saying is that i'm little and i'm weak, cuz damn those are some loaded words and i'm not going to let myself think that, but it's also not like it's untrue. it's a way one could say it. it's a way someone could see me. and some creepy motherfucker can come put his hands around my waist in line at a pizza hut, and i can't even tell him to fuck off. what the hell. maybe i'll feel better if i start lifting weights and practicing some good, loud, hell-raising yelling. cuz i'm sure not liking this feeling-unsafe thing.
jay told me yesterday that he will be moving to new york city in a month. 
first of all, i was shocked, and second, sad. I mean i knew he was probably going to be heading north somewhere sometime in late september so that would give us all summer but now it will be cut short. his friend offered him his apartment in brooklyn. that's a great deal. I would take it in a heart beat. I'll just miss him so much. the longest i've gone without seeing him was 2 weeks and that wasn't horrible but i mean i knew he was coming back. now i don't know if he and i will be living in the same vicinity ever again. man I'm gonna miss him. who's going to listen to me now? who's going to be my rock when everything comes crumbling around me? who's going to bring me freshly picked flowers? who's going to make me feel special? who's going to listen to me ramble about nothing? who's going to cheer me up just by being around? who am i gonna cook my amazingly delicious red velvet cakes for? who am i going to hang out with at his club? (why would i even go to his club anymore?) geez, this is sad. i remember how my heart dropped to the floor and i was struggling to smile, to congratulate him... but i couldn't. I don't know when he was planning on telling me but i know i would have preferred to hear the news in private where i could react the way i really wanted to.. to show him my sad face and hug him and probably rip him to shreds.
i'm ok today. i had more time to digest everything. he wants me to move into an apartment with him in nyc if things continue to go sour here. i think that's crazy but at the same time... not so crazy. I've always favored nyc. hm. all this talk of moving is wonderful but sad too. "doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?"
i've been hung up on listening to music all day. it's nice when you have someone in mind to think of when you hear sappy love songs. even really really sad ones that make you physically hurt becuase you can almost feel them near you, but they're not there. yeah, it's nice to think they're worth the ridiculously intense sentiments.
*turning volume higher* ahhhhh. much better.
i want to donate all of my earthly possessions to charity and move to a secluded beach house in tahiti with the love of my dreams where we will be wilderness tour guides for european yuppies with too much money. we'd spend our mornings on mountain tops watching the sun rise and hike down in time to have cocktails and watch the sun set. we'd take vacations in big cities just to get our fill of city sights and sounds. funny to think of it in reverse. like a negative of a typical life. i shouldn't have watched the travel special on tahiti during dinner. i really couldn't do that for long. a few months, sure, a few years even, but not for too long. i need variety in my life and call me crazy but paradise can get pretty stagnant.
i can't stand WAITING. waiting for anything, for anyone. drives me nuts! at least be non-committal like me, don't SAY you'll do something unless you really will. an immediate refusal is much better because it's practical and honest!
After becoming a mom myself, I realized that there is never a sronger bond than that between a mom and her child. I can honestly profess that the true love of my life is my son. The timeless saying that being a mom is the toughest job one will have to do is not only accurate, but is a tremendous understatment in terms of what being a mother means. Moms tirelessly juggle the roles of teacher, doctor, therapist, cheerleader, chauffeur, disiplinarian, cook, and confidante--and receive minimal praise for their twenty- four hours a day of hard work. She will assume the role of teacher, first teaching the basics of walking and talking. She will then move on to homework, diligently checking and rechecking math equations, and finally teaching her children how to be caring parents themselves. The role of chef is one she always tackles and anyone will tell you there is nothing as comforting as a home-cooked meal lovingly prepared by your mom. Whether it's a twelve course Thanksgiving extravaganza or tomato soup from the can, if Mom made it, it's delicious. Mom can also just as easily become the family taxi driver, shuttling her kids to and from school, to after school activities, even on first dates (as uncool as it may seem at the time). Let's not forget the family security guard, for no one ever keeps as watchful eye on her children as mom does. At the park, grocery store, mall, or front lawn, the eyes of a mom are never far away protecting her kids sternly from themselves, or fiercely from strangers if need be. (My mom always told me she had eyes in the back of her head, and at 30 years old...I still honestly believe she does) My mom has been my inspiration, my best friend, my psychologist, teacher, fashion consultant, hairdresser, and on occassion, she's even been my worst enemy. But she's my mom--and she is the greatest person I know, the person I aspire to be the most like, and the person who will forever offer her unwavering support. Now that I'm a mom myself, I see how my mom so graciously gave me two lives--hers and mine. Happy Mother's Day Mom! 
When I was younger I often wondered if moms simply required less sleep than everyone else in the universe. She was ALWAYS awake. Especially if I was trying to sneak in past curfew or wanted to talk to her in the middle of the night to discuss a problem. Even when I was in bed w/ the chicken pox or had my tonsils taken out, she was there by my bed every time I woke up just waiting to make me feel better. She would listen to me go on endlessly about anything with genuine interest, and without ever judging. (Well, hardly ever!) 
**This update in larger font is dedicated to harriene79** hehe Spent the entire day talking w/ Jay. we talked about a lot of stuff and it was refreshing to remember why i love spending time with him. i'd forgotten for awhile. i mean, he's tried to remind me on numerous occassions, but...oh well. days like today are hard to come by. i like when someone doesn't mind staying in one place until their butt gets numb before they decide to end a conversation. i like feeling loved and i like not feeling inhibited about being affectionate with my friends. it's nice to give someone a hug and not get any kind of weird reaction except a firm loving hug right back. i like going on whim and fancy rather than routine. it's a good thing. 
(no, you aren't getting old...i just use xx-small font)
last night as i was getting ready for bed, i was squeezing the toothpaste on my toothbrush, i remembered a conversation i had earlier about how when you spend a lot of time with someone that you're romantically involved with, you start to learn the little things about them that only a person that you're romantically involved with (and see very often) would know. to make things simple, let's just call this person a close friend. a close friend would know that i can't stand when people squeeze their toothpaste haphazardly. i have this weird habit of "correcting" tubes of toothpaste when they look like they've been grabbed and squeezed right in the center. no one i know has ever been as good about that as i'd like but i don't mind correcting the toothpaste for the sake of my own sanity. i don't like to sleep in pitch darkness because not being able to see scares me. i can't sleep with socks because they make me overheat. my toes always have to be covered by blanket because i feel like something might touch them during the night. i'm scared to death of the feeling of being chased, it makes me frantic. i feel antsy when i stay on one cd for too long or one channel for too long. i like to add a small handful of cereal at a time, to a CUP of milk so that it doesn't get soggy. i detest air blown directly at my face. my favorite part on a baby are their fingers, my favorite part of a puppy are the pads on their paws. i love handwritten things. i really love you if i let you touch my feet. i hate waiting for anything or anyone, it makes me CRAZY. it's good to know how much i love cheese, and if it's not extra sharp you have to take two steps back. patriotic things make me cry even though i can't stand u.s. patriotism. justice makes me extremely happy. i can't usually eat meat. i think it's important for a person to have clean freshly clipped nails. i think a person's taste in music is as unique as their fingerprint. i love you if you love your mom. i like keeping a record of my history because i know that my effort won't be in vain when i'm 55 and i wonder what i did with all those years.
Nice weekend! Cool, rain, fog...all the things that make you feel so vulnerable. After hanging out on Saturday night with the lovely Jay (its laughable that our friendship is almost like having a "forbidden" love affair...but it's NOT), I've been putting a lot of things to peace. The most incredible thing is that he got so much of my life out of me without even asking, by just being there and being genuinely interested...its no wonder that everyone falls in love with him, because he just makes me (and most anyone) feel SPECIAL. That's really all there is to it. Go see Man On Fire. Good movie. Mad good. Go see it, NOW!! 
Name: "peach"
Bday: july 12
Sign: cancer
yahoo contact: ugapeach04
[[ My Adores ]]
I love the fingers of a baby, the pads on a puppies paw, and I adore you if you love your mom! I love homemade ice-cream, bubblegum, daisies and handwritten things.
Food: pizza
Drinks: dr. pepper
Pastimes: music
People: diverse
[[ My Detests ]]
I hate feeling alone, feeling like I'm being chased, air blown directly in my face!
People: dramatic
Things: birds
Food: meats
[[ My History ]]
*loading*
today
December 2007
May 2007
December 2006
July 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
aheadau
AmericanGirl
banzai descent
Biggus Dickus
butterflys-flutter-bys
chester
foreverfooled
He eats peaches for love
in my life
intellectualsuperbeast
Mernie
mizlicious
rico
Smelt at school
techieidiot
the manda is nuts
The Missing Screw
the rucker
the saga continues
under surveillance
untitled
uponthesoapbox
[[ Credits ]]