I went to the rec dept pool today just to see if i'd be interested in teaching swimming lessons there this year instead of my own pool. I even wore my cute swim suit just so people wouldn't look at me funny b/c i was the only one w/ clothes on. i have to say, it looked ok compared to a lot of the girls out there, but surprisingly, most girls looked pretty decent in their suits! of course it was full of ogling sacks of hormone, girls and boys, but it was fine. I mean i look at people but i dont' really care much for what i see, and i'm sure most of the people there are the same way. I don't tan well because i am a natural red head and the sun is quite unhealthy but it doesn't stop me from trying. but today i basically went went because i wanted to check out the pool and the type of kids that hang around. treading water really works you out too. WOW!! there was a whole crew of ignoramous guys, buff and tough, frat boy types all lined at the edge of the water on opposite sides and they were playing this game-- who can hit my crotch with a water soaked mini football from a 25 feet distance! about 3 guys on each side sat with their legs wide open, praying their jewels were not going to be violated and every few minutes, you'd hear an -- OOOOH!!!!!! or an AHHH!!!! and you'd know what just happened. and sometimes if you're fortunate (or unfortunate) you'd SEE it. a guy would just keel over in pain and fall into the pool. i have to ask myself why girls never do things like this... and i saw more than a few boys horsing around together, play-wrestling. always makes me think of walt whitman and subconscious homo-eroticism. it's beautiful, really.
it's 3:00 am. i woke up to a jack hammer and a beeping sound. jack hammer then beeping. jack hammer then beeping. i thought in my freshly waked state that it was the university band practicing at the store parking lot across the street. i didn't realize how ridiculous that guess was until i actually woke up. it sounded like an army synchronously beating on a hundred snares. it's been so long since i've heard a jackhammer that i'd forgotten how to identify the sound. of course i was already awake so i went to the bathroom, flushed. went back to bed. this must have started a trend b/c then my son got up and went to the bathroom...flush...nothing. i get back up and looked outside and apparently there is a water main break. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!! oh well. i hope they get it taken care of before tonight. tonight i'm having a pre birthday party combined with a farewell party for jay. my bday isn't until july 12 and he's leaving the 15th. i'm glad i'll be at the beach when he actually leaves. i've begun to hate airports, especially when you're taking someone to leave and you know you aren't going to see them again for awhile. tonight i just realized again that i'm really gonna miss jay, a lot! but i'm okay with it. he's been tying up loose ends here for the past few weeks and i've done okay w/o him being around, so i'm sure i'll be okay. well, jackhammer or not, i'm going to try to go get a little more sleep before my party tonight. there are about 30 of us meeting at a mexican restaurant and then coming back to my house for drinks and a little karaoke. i finally learned how to make those buttery nipple shots i love so well and they are sooooo simple. 1 oz. butterscotch schnapps and 1 oz. irish cream. how easy is that?!?!
today has been a think-about-all-of-your-ex's day for me. something about rainy days always gives me this deep sense of nostalgia. some people say that if you ever really loved a person, that never really goes away. i believe it. i miss certain people to no end and when the feeling comes, it swallows me whole. it's almost as though i remember the years by whom i was dating and not so much the events.
i'm turning 31 in about two weeks and i feel like telling everyone- "don't wake me, i plan on sleeping." whats the point anyway, the celebration. i finally understand what i must have seemed like when i was 17 to a 24 year old. i see the kids running around these days at the mall and the movies and wherever teenagers hang out and they all seem so lost. it's as if they're walking around in the dark blindly following any light ahead of them. i love growing older because i'm excited to see how it all turns out. Camus once said, "live to the point of tears." that's a good motto to live by. a lifetime of tears. tears of pain, excitement, love, and joy. i think one of the worst things that could happen to a person is to realize that they led a mediocre life. see how well my meds are working?!?!
i'm gonna go daydream about having lots of sex in strange places.
yesterday i had a doctor's appointment and as i was getting out of my car, i noticed this guy who had only one leg in a wheelchair. he said, "excuse me mam but can i please have $2.80 to get a bus ride to my house on the other side of town. normally i'm very hesitant about people asking for money, but he looked so pitiful. I looked in my wallet and the least I had was a $10. Very cautiously I handed him the money, he thanked me and I went on inside my doctors office. As I was sitting there, I looked out the window and saw him stop another lady. I assumed he was asking her the same thing...she gave him nothing. then i asked the other people in the doctors office waiting room if they had seen the man and they were telling me that they asked them the same thing, if he could have $2.80 for a bus ride home but no one gave him any money. I came out of my appointment, saw the man still wheeling himself up and down the sidewalk and I asked if the bus hadn't come yet. Of course his answer was "no"...but it made me wonder. I gave up $10 to a man who very well could have more money than myself. Has the world become so unreal that people actually do this for a living?? I live in the south, so I'm pretty vulnerable and tender hearted when it comes to things like that. It's just been bugging me ever since it happen. Did the man REALLY need the money or did he play me for a fool? I think probably the latter of the two.
I took Chesterglasses advice so we'll see how things go....I really don't want to give up my blogging to a two faced a-hole!! 
Some of you probably would tell me not to let this "unlogged visitor" keep me from doing something that makes me feel better, which is blogging, but I'm really not going to entertain him via my blog any longer. If he wants to contact me, he knows where to find me, but I'm not going to allow him to use my blog to do so. It sounds to me as if he's the one with the problem and doesn't want to work things out like mature adults. I'll continue to enjoy your blogs but for now GOODBYE BLOG!!!! 
Some of you may remember a blog war w/ someone who happened to be "a proud member of the catholic school circle." I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST CATHOLICS....I just thought this was cute AND being a school teacher, some of the spelling is absolutely funny. Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible, even a little, you'll find this hilarious! It comes from a Catholic elementary school test. Kids were asked questions about the old and new testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by children. They have not been retouched nor corrected. (i.e., incorrect spelling has been left in).
1. In the first book of the bible, Guinessis. God got tired of creating the world so he took the sabbath off.
2. Adam and Eve were created from an Apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark and the animals came on in pears.
3. Lots wife was a pillar of salt during the day, but a ball of fire during the night.
4. The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
5. Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
6. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
7. Moses led the Jews to the Red sea where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
8. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert, Afterwards, Moses went up to Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
9. The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
10. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
11. Moses died before he ever reached Canada .. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
12. The greates miricle in the bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
13. David was a Hebrew king who was skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in bibical times.
14. Solomon, one of Davids sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
15. When Mary heard she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
16. When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
17. Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
18. St. John the blacksmith dumped water on his head.
19. Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do unto others before they do one to you. He also explained, a man doth not live by sweat alone.
20. It was a miricle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
21. The people who followed the lord were called the 12 decibels.
22. The epistels were the wives of the apostals.
23. One of the oppossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
24. St. Paul cavorted to Christianity, he preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marraige.
25. Christians have only one spouse. This is called monotony.
it seems i've been on a baking rampage.
i can't figure myself out. i'm all about doing things i don't normally do. but what is normal anyway. i've moved far away from normal, several hundred miles to be exact. this state of abnormal seems to be the norm.
today, i woke up from a nightmare and had a nice conversation on the telephone with my mom. both of which i'm not accustomed to nor do i find normal. then around noon i decided that i needed to watch SOMETHING SPECIAL, so i went, to rent the movie, then realized i had already bought the dvd. it was as funny as i'd previously imagined. most people who can watch movies at noon on a thursday afternoon tend to be alone. great movie btw. i'm not much of a christina applegate fan but cameron diaz really takes the cake. anyway, back to my point, i usually never watch movies alone simply because i fall asleep. and after jogging for the 4th consecutive day (holy damn!) making the grand total 15 miles, while i sat on an exercise ball doing ab exercises watching Rachel Ray's 30-minute meals on FoodTV (she's so cute!) which i've become addicted to, I had the uncontrollable desire to make tiramisu.
at this moment, my sweat is evaporating very cold and i'm getting ready to shower so i can go buy the ingredients to make one kick ass batch of tiramisu.
i'm really a good baker, but i barely enjoy trying new recipes. i always blame it on the humidity when things don't turn out the way it's supposed to. for those of you who don't know, high humidity is a nappy headed persons worse nightmare. i will admit, there was a time when i mixed cake mix--from a box-- with my hands because i thought it was more practical than a whipper. inverted cupcakes don't taste very good. they're too ugly to taste good. the chocolate chip cookies i made the other day were fabulous however. i see change on the horizon. perhaps i've found a new hobby? this conjunction of exercise and making fatty decadent desserts works out well.
It TOTALLY amazes me how people read your blog simply because they are bored and then leave such harsh comments, judging people they don't even know. If it isn't Ken leaving these childish unlogged visitor comments, then someone really needs a life. Obviously whoever the person is knows absolutely nothing about me or they would know that I've been completely happy so why would I need sympathy or pity or whatever. Keeping an online journal not only helps myself get out some of my feelings, but it also helps to get comments from your blogging friends who don't judge you by anything other than what you write. Ken however, knows my entire life story (so he thinks) ...and maybe a couple of others do too, so take that knowledge and let it go. Whoever you are, it's obvious that I don't give a rats ass about you or your opinion, go get lost. Find another blog to read and delete my link from your "favorites" list. It's summertime...go outside and play ball or something and stop bugging the piss outta me. Well, actually you aren't "bugging" me...you're making a total idiot of yourself, and if I find out for certain who you are (like I don't already know)...payback will be a bitch. Oh, btw, did you know that the "unlogged" visitors from motime can be traced back to their own computers???? Your IP on both of the messages that were unlogged were IP: 67.33.64.41 So...let's not make this dirty! For those of you who didn't know how to find out who is leaving these crude and hateful remarks: here's a little something from howard to help: Every time you visit a page on the Internet, your web browser sends specific information to the web site you are visiting. mo’time's web server logs automatically collect and store this information from your browser, including your IP address, specific type and version of browse, mo’time-related cookies (see below), and the pages you visit at mo'time. So, just for your info IP: 67.33.64.41 ...I'd stop while I was ahead!
We use this information primarily to help diagnose and fix any technical problems that you may encounter. But we also use IP information to help us limit access to mo’time by users who have violated our Terms of Use (or to help users block access to their mo’time sites by other users).
Lying in my bed and listening to some awesome songs I realize....damn, I'm gonna MISS Jay. A lot. I know, its something that I should know as a matter of fact, but it really really hit me HARD when I was just lying there, thinking. So much is different from even a few weeks ago that trying to think six months in the future is pointless and frustrating. I just wish I could package these experiences and remember, when shit aint goin well, that there was a time where I was just...happy. And content. And calm.
I'm not the type to walk around being genuinely happy, but damn, I find myself doing it. So much for "types."
No drama. The thing is, no matter what real or imagined inadequacies I feel like I have in all this, the thing that glues it all together and keeps me happy and connected is just that -- No drama. After being amidst so much disfunction all my life, I mean, every friendship, everything, full of disfunction, its amazing to feel so comfortable. And have no drama.
Weird thoughts come late at night. I feel a mix of so much, and the strangest emotion is guilt. I hate guilt. I feel guilty for feeling guilty, because I hate guilt so much. But I dunno, among the swirling soup of emotion I feel a little bit of it.
No drama. Two weeks left before Jay leaves and then months of mourning that I'm not sure I'll be blogging and sharing with anyone :)
When my father-in-law died about seven years ago, I found, in a suitcase in his garage, an old, faded, heart-shaped valentine candy box filled with letters my mother-in-law had written to him apparently when he was a marine in WWII. They were not full of poetry and declarations of love, but simple letters talking about how she hoped he'd be home soon and that she'd get a chance to see him soon, how things were in general. Just the things a twenty-five-year-old girl might say to a guy she liked. This past Monday, my mother-in-law passed away. This entire week has been a complete blur. Today, we were going through some of her things and I found a box in her hall closet that held a very similar collection of letters, written by my father-in-law. Although his spelling was a bit worse, and his tone a little more blunt and harsh, the letters were very much the same. He talked about missing her and he had been razzed by the other guys because "his girl" wrote so often. These letters made me start to realize the disconcerting fact that I really didn't know these in-laws as people. Of course I knew them as my in-laws because my husband and I were married for eleven years, and had dated off and on for almost 17. My mother-in-law had not been sick, but we spent plenty of time with her. But the perspective was always that of a daughter-in-law...never a peer. Looking through her high school annual (which I also found in the box in the closet), I wondered who she really was - was she a party girl? The quiet one? The clown? Those letters made me think about the difficulty of truly knowing our relatives from the perspective of equals, as peers. The kids in those letters had hopes and dreams and senses of humor and private jokes about which my husband nor his two siblings knew nothing about. In that same closet, I found pictures of these "kids" and I gathered a few of them, scanned them, and made memorial cards for her loved ones and the people who came to pay their respects, to have and enjoy on the day of her memorial service. I wrote a small poem and printed it inside that said: If we could have a lifetime wish A dream that would come true, We'd pray to God with all our hearts For yesterday and YOU. A thousand words can't bring you back We know because we've tried... Neither will a thousand tears We know because we've cried... You left behind our broken hearts And happy memories too... We'll cherish those memories forever Life just won't be the same without you. Lots of people cringe when they have thoughts about their in-laws, but I was fortunate enough to have the best of them! I can't help but think that those two "kids" who selfessly devoted their lives to raising three children are now having the greatest time of their lives!
What if...... you won a million bucks?
you won 10 million bucks?
you won 100 million bucks?
Previously my doctor suggested I start a journal, if I didn't already keep one. Hence the reason for my beginning this blog. I'm not quite sure this was what he had in mind, but it's what I chose. There is something about the actual mechanism of writing down, or drawing, collaging, or whatever is your medium, some of your immediate experiences that allow one to utilize and positively process them. In other words, creating a tangible work of art, or sketch, or sentence moves you from A to, if not actually B, then to A1. For 16 years, I have been treated for depression. I didn't have a horrible childhood, as a matter of fact, it was pretty normal. My family doctor did tons of bloodwork, sent me to a neurologist where they did a series of test and an MRI. I was in and out of therapy sessions and had taken every anti-depressant known to man. A few years ago, I got really tired of fighting this depression that would just suck the life out of me and I found myself drinking heavily and abusing all the meds I was taking. Finally, I hit rock bottom and found myself lying hopelessly and helplessly in my bed for hours, sometimes days at a time. It seemed like when I was in my depression state that there was this ominous opression that would hang over my body which I had no control of. Like a black storm cloud that decended only on ME, while the rest of the world passed obliviously in sunshine. It would rain so hard that I couldn't see outside my sphere. The pressure of the storm was so opressive I couldn't breathe. I was engulfed with a helpless, hopeless feeling from which there was no escape. People would try to enter my world, but there was no door. The alienation would grow until I would lose interest in life itself. Then I'd begin to hear the little voices in my head telling me that life would be better without the pain, without the terrible sadness...because at this point, I had no hope of understanding depression. As quickly as the door shut on my depression, that same door would swing open. I could see color again. I could actually taste food. The depression would lift and I would be headed for the other side of the mountain. The journey that would take me to the manic side of it all was not unpleasant at all. I would feel the energy rebounding in my veins again. I wanted to take on the world. My thoughts would race with all the things I was going to do now that I was free of that void. Sometimes my body couldn't keep up with all the racing thoughts my brain was having. Life was like a run-on sentence. I would feel great b/c I was doing what I wanted to do and then others would make me feel like there was something wrong. I'd start getting irritable. There was so much I wanted to do but my "loved ones" wanted to hold me back -- something about exercising better judgment. They would say there was something wrong w/ me. It wasn't "normal" do be so up and then so down over and over, following a cyclical pattern that showed no end. I finally agreed to seeing the proverbial shrink once again. He confirmed what I already suspected myself. He says I have a mood disorder. He put the label on my illness and diagnosed me with Bipolar II Affective Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. He started an entirely new series of medications. He says these meds will smooth out my moods so that I don't get so high or feel so low. How can I tell him that I LIKE being high? The medicine makes my hands shake. I get confused. I don't feel high anymore. The doctor is happy because I have come closer to my "baseline". That's his fancy way of saying that I have normal moods now; normal to him, not normal to ME. I feel dull. I feel robbed of who I am, or rather who I was.
after a brutal morning at baskeball camp, i got a chance to listen to a dozen cds in my collection that i'd never really listened to before. it's good to hear stuff you like that you didnt even know you had. I did a mass reshuffling and reorganizing of CDs today so i took out the ones i realistically NEVER listened to and put them away so that i could find them later and appreciate them. i've resorted to using ziplock bags for my "not often listened to" pile of cds. i'm sure i will crave them again one of these days and need immediate access to them, as my cravings for those are few and far between, so a moments notice is all i have. they are like the army reserve... "on call"! i have several hundred cds on call but not on "active duty", and several hundred more cds i've banished to a box in the garage never to see the light of day except in my silver years when i can eventually laugh about loving some of these artists. *cringe*
i've fallen in love with my cds again! 
It took me getting up this morning and going to Pier 1 Imports to remember why I hate shopping!! it's not that i really hate shopping, it's just that when it comes to shopping for something when i don't know what i'm shopping for, i have a tendency to go broke!! i have no self discipline when it comes to spending money. a couple of weeks ago, i decided my living room needed a makeover. this makeover consisted of all new furniture --sofa, chairs, accessories (candles, picture frames, books) ..you get the pic. last night i decided the room was missing something. if you're ever looking for something but you aren't sure what that something is that you're looking for, visit pier 1. i went to just LOOK and ended up spending way more than i ever dreamt of spending. my most fav thing was this cute little telephone table (i even bought a copy of US Weekly to accessorize it....i just love it. i also got the end table and the coffee table to match! Cute, is it not?!
Name: "peach"
Bday: july 12
Sign: cancer
yahoo contact: ugapeach04
[[ My Adores ]]
I love the fingers of a baby, the pads on a puppies paw, and I adore you if you love your mom! I love homemade ice-cream, bubblegum, daisies and handwritten things.
Food: pizza
Drinks: dr. pepper
Pastimes: music
People: diverse
[[ My Detests ]]
I hate feeling alone, feeling like I'm being chased, air blown directly in my face!
People: dramatic
Things: birds
Food: meats
[[ My History ]]
*loading*
today
December 2007
May 2007
December 2006
July 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
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April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
aheadau
AmericanGirl
banzai descent
Biggus Dickus
butterflys-flutter-bys
chester
foreverfooled
He eats peaches for love
in my life
intellectualsuperbeast
Mernie
mizlicious
rico
Smelt at school
techieidiot
the manda is nuts
The Missing Screw
the rucker
the saga continues
under surveillance
untitled
uponthesoapbox
[[ Credits ]]
