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Ah the season tis around us. Every year I try my best to remain upbeat and just a wee bit manic in order to deal with the stress that comes with the holiday season....But it usually starts right before Thanksgiving and lasts until Christmas is over. I hate going to the malls or even Christmas shopping period because of the crowds. Okay, I won't blame it so much on the crowded stores and the long lines and the bumping into shopping carts....I simply just can't take it!! Usually I've already finished my shopping by Thanksgiving and everything is ready to be wrapped. One year my Christmas tree was even up before Thanksgiving! Not this year. On top of Christmas presents to buy, I have four birthdays that fall right in there right before Christmas too. Four more birthday presents to buy in addition to the Christmas presents for people that I don't have any clue as to what that special gift, or even a likable gift may be.

Once my tree is up..I'll be happy as a clam. (getting there is a bitch!) But I know that sooner or later, (hopefully later) the down cycle will creep in like a bug seeking warmth. I can tell when the bug is coming, I sleep more and I'm an insomniac, so when my family finds me actually sleeping, they should know to watch out because depression is on the way, but instead....I get drilled w/ "what's wrong?" PEOPLE....you're family, I've been a member of your family for 31 long years now and for the past 16 years...this depression has gradually gotten worse year after year. Don't you remember last year? Don't you remember the year before? (I certainly don't) Don't you remember the day I spent Christmas Day alone in bed? I always have a severe case of HOLIDAY DEPRESSION!! Which is a real disease/disorder! Don't believe me? Sure you don't. Look it up!

I know this is the time to be thankful and sit back watch the season go by, enjoying all it has to offer. Enjoy the decorations, the new music playing on the radio stations, the specials that come on tv during this time of year. I just can't keep myself from slipping down that depressive slide. But I'm trying extremely hard to get on the up swing, if only just a "little". If only enough to be able to put on that mask so I don't get asked a hundred and one times, "what's wrong with you?" ...... But then come the invitations for dinners, parties, programs etc. Panic attacks begin to set in. I can't attend these functions like I used to. Of course I was usually half lit myself and that helped me withstand and ward off any panic that would seep into my mind.

But now I'm clean and don't have the safety of that alcohol to give me courage. What if I suddenly become so manic as a result of panic that I want to drink myself silly? Once I get a good manic episode going full bore, nothing can stop me from doing what I want. And I mean NOTHING. I'm on top of the world or as the movie says, I'm the King or Queen of the world! I enjoyed thinking about that so much that I'm almost in full blown manic mode just thinking about it!

I get very anxious and feel very overwhelmed from the beginning of November until right after Christmas. The moster shows his angry tongue on more than one or two or three occassions and I hurt people far more than I'd like to admit. I get angry, I get frustrated....VERY frustrated....and I get down. But I seldom get truly sad until the week of Christmas. That's when my mania will gradually wear off. Could be childhood related, I don't know. But the end of something always bums me out and when I feel that way, my mania will decrease. I hate endings. The end of something will also set off a depressive cycle. It's like I have to know there is something coming up in order to keep "up". And believe me..."keeping up" is all I do and I struggle to do just that.

Then the "what ifs" start seeping into the recesses of my mind. I begin to panic, oh my God...what if he/she doesn't like what I've already bought them this year? Rapid cycle to depression. Ponder over this and mope for a few hours. Mixed cycle now...I know they will love what I bought because they are totally not picky and I know they will enjoy. But what if? Have I missed anyone on my list? What about those last minute gifts? Oh no. Should I venture to the store alone to get them?

Christmas Eve used to be my time to celebrate the season. My dads side of the family would always get together and have a meal on Christmas Eve. I think it helped my grandmother because it was also her anniversary and it was like a gift from the Heavens from my grandfather to see all her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, great-great grandchildren, etc. get together...and it was all because of HER! This will be my second Christmas without her and it's still hard knowing she's not going to be around. My mother always had claim on Christmas Eve so as a kid, we opened gifts from mom and dad on Christmas Eve night and woke up to the joys of Santa on Christmas morning. All the grandparents would come over to eat breakfast as my sister and I would show off all our new gadgets. Then, we would gather at my grandmother and grandfathers house for a Christmas dinner and exhange gifts with aunts and uncles. This will be year 15 w/o that grandmother and you would think that I would be used to the idea of Christmas w/o her. I don't think I'll ever get used to Christmas w/o her. She was Christmas! My Christmas Day revolved around her and her cooking and ....well, it was just that SHE was the one that kept everybody so close, so together, so family like. She was the superglue that held us all together and made Thanksgiving, Christmas Day, Mother's Day, Easter, Birthdays ...and every holiday so wonderful! I remember on several occassions when I was younger ...on Christmas Day when everything was cleaned up and packed away....it was far from the ending....I still had another week or two out of school, so my holiday vacation just went right on b/c I spent it w/ my grandparents. Wow, 15 years w/o her....Christmas has never been Christmas w/o her and I know it never will be...not in the way I used to know Christmas. I wonder if everyone has those same memories of their grandmother? (and do they break out if full blown tears sitting at the computer typing while thinking about it?) I hope so. I hope my son has those same lovely memories about my mom one day. I hope he looks at her through the same eyes as I look at my grandmother.

OH no I have to cook the christmas beast or feast. Downer. But I'll swing manic as it begins, I always do and I do NOT want anyone in my kitchen. When I'm that manic I move like Santa's sleigh through the wind. Dont talk to me because I have enough voices in my head telling me what to do. I'm not cold, I am simply manic. My brain will tell me when to come down. Those neurotransmitters have a schedule all their own. Call the shrink? No, he's off for two months on vacation again. Damn, I want his job. I wonder which he would prefer, a Christmas card, or a monthly payment. Hmmmm. Yeah, I know, he wants the money. Of course he wants the money....he wouldn't even renew my contract w/ the insurance company this time b/c he couldn't get away w/ charging me AND the insurance company!!

Find me a med so there is no depression and all I'm left with is a "zone" where I feel nothing. Not up, not down, just there. Oh that's really appealing to other people, having a zombie around the tree.

Then, after everything is over. All expectancy is gone. Enter depression. Here we go again. No snow, depression increases. Bringing in a new year while thinking about doing this all over again.....that is EXTREMELY depressing!!

The thought of a new year and starting all over again! Enter hypomania. But spring is soon and we'll be headed for the beach at least a couple of times. All good things. But, I turn 32 this summer, enter depression. Sigh....up and down and down and up.
Sadness at the thought of all those without and all the little animals that will be forced outside in the cold. Sadness that animals would be safe and sound if it weren't for our warm little home that they really owned before and now just let us live here.

Depression over the loved ones no longer alive to see the holiday season or the new year. Sometimes I can't take it. My mind is pulling apart at the proverbial seams. Mixed cycling all over the place and me with no new Christmas bicycle needed. Others don't understand my sadness. My family is miles away, not miles away in distance, but miles away from understanding what exactly I have to deal with. :sigh:

Be happy, be thankful I tell my neurons. My mind knows what's going on but sometimes "the voice" tells me otherwise. "The voice" tells me I'm not happy, I'm not grateful, my gifts could have been better. Re-enter depression overriding the hypomanic mixed cycle. My memory is gone again. I hate that the most. Sometimes I can't remember my last name.

My New year's resolution and I hate resolutions because they are self-fulfilling prophecies because you're setting yourself up to fail; but mine is to get a new shrink. One who hasnt heard my story. One who will listen to me when I say what's going on because I'm new and he pretty much has to. Oh yes, and one who IS in my insurance plan so I don't have to sell my other leg and arm to pay for each visit.

Sigh, I love the holidays. I truly do. I just wish my neurotransmitters would get into the spirit of the season and stay there for oh, about 20 years!

To all my friends, I wish you the merriest of holidays. I'm not crazy, I just have some crazy notions that I'm not entirely responsible for. But I try to tell myself, and deep down I know, that I'm still a good person.

 

[[ Branched ]]*|20:46|

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Tuesday, November 23, 2004

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there are times when life is jam-packed with happenings and times when it's just much of the same most of the time. you can go through your life with a fine tooth comb and give significance to everything but you'd miss the big picture, you'd lack the foresight to anticipate and cope with change. on the otherhand if you didnt stop to laugh about how you closed the door on your finger and your freshly manicured nail is broken, or like that time i superglued my toes together....(remember that? ha!)...then what could you laugh about?

that's the kind of little stuff that is probably not worth a mention but depending on how you see things, it contributes to life's fullness or emptiness (in terms of occurrences rather than meaning). a lot of stuff has happened to me recently. no big deal in the grand scheme of things but significant in that they're the biggest small deals right now and i guess that makes them a "big deal". my mood changes with the tides and i'm overdue for Happy again. i anticipate it the way someone waits for a package that doesnt arrive until TOMORROW.

[[ Branched ]]*|14:48|

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Monday, November 22, 2004

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Okay folks, I’m back in that "happy place" once again. A few days ago I left my happy place to visit the "black pit of hell", but my travel agent got me booked back to the happy place once again and I’m doing my best to remain here because it here where I belong. I’m learning each day new triggers that help keep me happy and up and which triggers that will bring me down. I avoid those downer triggers as if they were carriers of the bubonic plague! I don’t ever want to go back down that far again. Ever! Never! The "being content" frame of mind isn’t bad, but the black pit from hell is just too much to handle and I have a deep seeded fear that each time I sink that low, I may never return.

So I shall do my utmost to stay just where I am. Not literally of course, just emotionally. But, the holiday season is just around the corner..which usually brings on the proverbial holiday depression...so I'm just waiting in paranoia.

*I posted this a few months ago, but it seems just as fitting now as it did then....probably moreso. I guess it always seems fitting once I find my way out!!

[[ Branched ]]*|02:16|

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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

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I seem to have lost all of my November and most of my October post....which is perfectly okay w/ me. I think I should start over anyway. Kinda like when we were kids and we always wanted a "do over"  I think for now I need a do over....GOODBYE FOR NOW MO'TIME!

[[ Branched ]]*|16:48|

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