[[*---Still I Rise---*]]

Thursday, June 30, 2005

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I'm angry right now. I feel like shit. I don't even know why. But I feel like something really fucked up is going on.

So angry! I wish I knew exactly why. I hate feeling this way and I want to be unangry RIGHT now.

It feels like something is stuck inside of my chest....clogged, and it's not arteries. Maybe like my heart is being tied down in bondage when all it wants is to be free, to love, and be loved. It feels like something that normally spins inside of my chest is being forcefully restrained by something beyond my control.....something like suffocation.

Maybe I just feel underappreciated and undervalued. It sucks for a PERSON, a human being to feel like her value isn't good enough. Or, maybe it's just b/c my surgery is tomorrow and I'm genuinely horrified...so instead of being nervous, scared, anxious...it's just easier to be angry.

[[ Branched ]]*|06:21|

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Monday, June 27, 2005

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Calling all readers:

your answer to these questions may be more helpful to me than you can imagine.

What do you KNOW?
what do you know for CERTAIN?

answers will not be disputed by myself, they will simply be noted

a pre-emptive thank you to anyone who chooses to do this

[[ Branched ]]*|23:02|

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Sunday, June 26, 2005

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I've had a bad fever for about three weeks now and unable to eat or drink. Everything feels rather common, just in a foreign setting. I hate how hunger is so insistent, it makes me dizzy and headachy. I try to imagine actually going hungry. What does that feel like? How are homeless people on the street not moaning and crying for food?
It's made for some trippy dreams and a lot of sitting in the bathroom with the chills and my body blazing, crying and wishing I still lived w/ my mom so she could baby me. (so 3rd grade, i know) I finally went to the doctor--who sent me to the hospital for a couple of days..test, test, and more test. I'm having a biopsy next week, so please wish me luck!!

The sad thing is that the people I always thought would be concerned the most, actually care the least. I wish it wasn't so depressing.

[[ Branched ]]*|23:59|

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Thursday, June 23, 2005

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Is it possible to love someone you've never met?? Have you ever met someone online who you thought, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that they were your soulmate? Sound crazy?! When you meet someone online, you begin to share some of your most sacred thoughts and feelings with, simply b/c you think that you'll never meet this person...so you feel open and free to talk about your most deepest thoughts. You share your likes, your dislikes, your accomplishments as well as your faults. Then, before you realize it, you've been talking to this person for six years..both online and via the telephone. There's definately some sort of bond there, but you aren't quite sure what type of bond or how deep that bond may be. You know the person has just as much trust and sincere feelings for you, b/c he's also shared things that he probably doesn't feel comfortable sharing w/ others. The word "love" comes up on numerous occassions, but is it love...like you love your best friend, a family member? Is it love out of habit? I mean, after spending so much time talking and sharing intimate details about your lives w/ each other, can you not help but love them in some way or another?

Then, there's the point you get to when you know you really want to meet this person. You aren't quite sure if you should hold back and cherish this wonderful friendship that has grown into something amazing over the past six years...or do you risk it all for more, taking that chance that if you meet this person that everything will change.

I've met people in life that I met online first, and it's never been the same after that meeting. I'm not sure if the anticipation and thrill is gone after that, or if it was something more than that. But this particular person is different. For lack of a better word, he's just amazing. Once again, do you hold on to the friendship you have and never know how deep that friendship is....or do you risk it all for more, not really even knowing what it is you're searching for?

To the person I'm speaking of...and you know who you are:

Unseen Friend

Although you are a great friend of mine
Chats and calls we exchange,
I’m not sure if I’d know you on the street,
doesn't that seem a little strange?

You hold a place within my life,
unusual and unique;
We share ideas and special dreams,
and still, we‘ve yet to meet.

I picture what I think you are,
perhaps you picture me.
An intriguing game for both of us
for someone we can't see.

So for this friendship we possess,
we owe this world wide web a debt,
Perhaps the charm lies in the fact
that we have never met.

I love you bunches!!

[[ Branched ]]*|11:42|

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Thursday, June 02, 2005

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Wow. I can't believe it's been so long since I've had a worthy post. In all honesty, things have been so busy and I really haven't had the desire to blog lately. I think the warm weather is doing crazy things to my hormones!

[[ Branched ]]*|11:17|

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