Something has shifted inside of me. What was once churning clockwise might be churning couterclockwise now. The air feels still. Very uncharacteristic of anything my subconscious has entertained me with before.

Also, I feel a little disconnected with my physical body. My senses tell me something has changed and so, naturally, something different is going to happen, something BIG. I can't say that this is necessarily true because I've had strong feelings like this before that seemed pretty much unfounded, even after time had passed. It's feels like....something, some very regular, reliable pattern I was used to has stopped. However life is carrying on as normal--except for the house hunting part. Maybe that's all it is. How does it feel....hmm.  I thought about this a lot while I was sitting on the beach, in my own world and ignoring the world around me, and this is how I came to describe it. 

Imagine there is an ocean inside of you. It's your typical postcard sunny day w/ fluffy white clouds in the sky. The breeze is constant and consistent. Well it feels like the breeze has stirred in a different direction and the tide has receded very, very low so that I can't hear the waves hit the shore anymore. I'm in this waiting position, cautious, tensed up as a predator monitoring its next prey. I can't explain it much better than that. The AIR even feels different on my skin.

I'm sure it has lots to do w/ the fact that I still haven't contacted my doctor about my test results, although I did go back on Tuesday for the dye and CT scan that was already scheduled.  I was supposed to call for those results in 48 hours, but I'm just not in a place to deal w/ anything BIG right now.  It's probably nothing, I'm probably just crazy.

On another note:  THIS IS TO THE SWEETEST, MOST THOUGHTFUL, PURELY AMAZING AND VERY ATTRACTIVE GUY THAT I'VE ADORED FOR SIX YEARS NOW (for the most part, anyway) YET NEVER MET.  I really do like you for some reason, despite what people tell me. Maybe it's because you remind me of a time in my life that seems closed for now, that is a very special bond I shared with one particular friend that I lost at age 16. I say all of the above b/cI worry. I worry b/c I know how you feel about yourself and I think I know how you feel about me...and I worry, and worry, and I wish you knew just how much your presence in my life means to me!  And NO, I'm not just saying this b/c you just happened to remember my birthday and sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers, (SEE HERE) a balloon, and a box of chocolate (that lasted less than 24 hours) NOT to my house, but to the beach while I was on vacation.  After that, there was nothing like sitting alone on the balcony on a wonderfully thick, summer night, w/ a bulging moon lighting waves in the frothy clouds. The air was electric and I seemed to forget about everything negative.  The shivers and tingles it gave me just to be alive and have you as a friend, on the day nature had earlier decided to depress me simply b/c 32 years ago, it spit me out like a pineapple upside down cake!!