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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

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 I don't really like myself lately.

This phase of my life seems like it's just trickling by. Although, that perception might be hinged upon the fact that this isn't a fun time. A little part of me wants to panic....and has, sporadically, but another part of me KNOWS I'm supposed to patient.  Patient for what, I haven't discovered yet. So I'm trying to find whatever's blocking the flow, to find out whether there's something I'm not doing or shouldn't be doing or more importantly, what I should be doing.

Or maybe this IS the flow. I guess it'll reveal itself when it does and I just hope that I'm strong enough to remain calm throughout and I hope it's great, whatever it may be.

 I don't really remember what it feels like to have a restful sleep. The dreams I have are nightmarish. I think I'm depressed again or at least sitting in the shallow end of it. More frequently, I have no desire to do anything and my head is full of unhealthy thoughts like, "You're useless. You're stupid. You don't deserve good/You can't do anything." It frightens me really, in a detached sort of way, especially since I can logically argue against all of those thoughts.

But what really gets to me are the thoughts of abandonment and rejection and horrible lonliness. It overwhelms me from time to time so that I feel like I can't swallow. The only other option is to implode into a black hole which I refuse to do.

Apparently I've been real bitchy lately too, and it doesn't feel like I am until I've already done the bitch thing. Once I've realized it....I sort of care and don't at the same time. It's odd to be a bitch. I'm not sure if it's the me I haven't seen in awhile or the me I pretend to be when I don't want to be the real me. Or maybe that's me slipping into the "black hole which I refuse to do" thing happening in spurts.

I've also broken down several times over my past in the last few weeks or so and I'm not sure why it's hitting me now. Pretty fuckin' delayed reaction if you ask me. Usually I sit and ponder these things but for some reason....I don't even want to touch it with a hundred foot pole.

I haven't reached out for any guidance from friends in such a long time.  I think the last time I did that was right before Christy died. That was the last time I truly felt peaceful. I don't know what's stopping me now though, I still have friends I feel like I can trust. I'm pretty much the type that goes with the flow of the moment, which currently has run dry and sucks everything into itself. But Christy's last words come back to me now, "Do the motion and you'll feel the emotion." I'm beginning to think that in some instances, it's best to influence the "flow" I seem to "go with" so that it suits me better when I do "go with the flow." Going with the flow I helped shift. With intent. Like magic.  Should I influence the flow?!  Coz I really have something in mind if I come to that conclusion.

Because in reality, it doesn't make any sense for me to feel so shitty right now. It doesn't make sense for these thoughts to be entering my head seemingly at random. But it's happening like ten bricks to the face.

NO SENSE ---> NON SENSE --> NONSENSENOSENSE ---> USELESS TO ME? Yeah.

Maybe this entry helps because looking back I'm disgusted with myself and how self-revolving this is...ugh, someone hand me the disinfectant.   (did i ever mention that i spray disinfectant in my classroom..especially when they smell...but I have it wrapped up w/ a nice little label called "smart spray")  They actually request the "smart spray" right before any test now.  Kinda funny how psychology works.

More importantly, I'm going to the beach again this weekend.  This time, w/ bigger and better expectations than the times before.  1)  My friend, Nicole is getting married and I have to do the bridesmaid thing yet again.  Not that I mind, but if I had $1 for every time I've been a bridesmaid, I'd be one rich bitch.  2)  This guy I met online, ummmm, probably a year or so ago is going to be in the area also.  I'm trying to talk him into accompanying me to this wedding b/c the reception is going to be phenomenel.  I'd look foolish w/o a date anyway.  I have a feeling that I know this guy well enough to share something like this w/ him.  Even though Nicole and I have known each other since we were 6 weeks old....it's going to be pretty personal.  I usually don't share personal issues w/ people and maybe that's my problem.  But he makes me feel so comfortable in the manner that I feel like I COULD share personal things w/ him.  It's almost like he cares enough to ask.  Ask, but not enough to push.  There's a difference.  Maybe he could be the key to to my influencing the flow that has currently run dry.  Well, I haven't really asked him yet....but really hinting.  But when I do, I'll be sure to let you know how it turns out and if it's best to "influence the flow!"  I'm thinking that just might be the answer.  Now I just have to convince him to come to a wedding reception of someone he doesn't even know.  That could be a problem....but maybe not.  I'll keep in touch!

[[ Branched ]]*|08:44|

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

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Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn!!  Here I go I mean, here I come again. 

[[ Branched ]]*|22:52|

comments (1)

Thursday, September 15, 2005

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getting involved with a friend is risky business.  it puts romantic love above friendship love and that just doesn't seem right.  every situation is different and two people are capable of staying friends after a break-up, but it's doubtful that it will be the SAME friendship that once was.

[[ Branched ]]*|02:02|

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

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i think i should take up a martial art! i could get in shape, discipline my mind, and learn how to KICK SOMEONE's ASS--if there ever be a need! there was a special on TLC-- top ten martial arts. it got me so pumped... HIYAH! HIYAH!

[[ Branched ]]*|01:16|

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

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i ran into an ex last night. i was walking towards the concession stand and he was walking towards the bleachers. i didn't recognize him at first because his hair was longer than i remember. i tried to turn and slouch quickly as not to be spotted but too late, he'd seen me and he tripped and fell forward..but caught his step prior to actually falling. it was beyond awkward. it felt like a scene from a movie... i'm really good at avoiding people i don't care to see.

too bad getting to see people i want to see requires a double coincidence of want.

[[ Branched ]]*|08:36|

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Friday, September 09, 2005

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*WOW!!  A much different viewpoint than the one I've been hearing.  this is worth reading!!*

It has taken four long days for state and federal officials to figure out how to deal with the disaster in New Orleans. I can't blame them, because it has also taken me four long days to figure out what is going on there. The reason is that the events there make no sense if you think that we are confronting a natural disaster. If this is just a natural disaster, the response for public officials is obvious: you bring in food, water, and doctors; you send transportation to evacuate refugees to temporary shelters; you send engineers to stop the flooding and rebuild the city's infrastructure. For journalists, natural disasters also have a familiar pattern: the heroism of ordinary people pulling together to survive; the hard work and dedication of doctors, nurses, and rescue workers; the steps being taken to clean up and rebuild.  Public officials did not expect that the first thing they would have to dois to send thousands of armed troops in armored vehicle, as if they are suppressing an enemy insurgency. And journalists--myself included--did not expect that the story would not be about rain, wind, and flooding, but about rape, murder, and looting. But this is not a natural disaster. It is a man-made disaster. The man-made disaster is not an inadequate or incompetent response by federal relief agencies, and it was not directly caused by Hurricane Katrina. This is where just about every newspaper and television channel has gotten the story wrong. The man-made disaster we are now witnessing in New Orleans did not happen over the past four days. It happened over the past four decades. Hurricane Katrina merely exposed it to public view. The man-made disaster is the welfare state. For the past few days, I have found the news from New Orleans to be confusing. People were not behaving as you would expect them to behave in an emergency--indeed, they were not behaving as they have behaved in other emergencies. That is what has shocked so many people: they have been saying that this is not what we expect from America. In fact, it is not even what we expect from a Third World country.  When confronted with a disaster, people usually rise to the occasion. They work together to rescue people in danger, and they spontaneously organize to keep order and solve problems. This is especially true in America. We are an enterprising people, used to relying on our own initiative rather than waiting around for the government to take care of us. I have seen this a hundred times, in small examples (a small town whose main traffic light had gone out, causing ordinary citizens to get out of their cars and serve as impromptu traffic cops, directing cars through the intersection) and large ones (the spontaneous response of New Yorkers to September 11). So what explains the chaos in New Orleans?  To give you an idea of the magnitude of what is going on, here is a description from a Washington Times story: "Storm victims are raped and beaten; fights erupt with flying fists, knives and guns; fires are breaking out; corpses litter the streets; and police and rescue helicopters are repeatedly fired on. "The plea from Mayor C. Ray Nagin came even as National Guardsmen poured in to restore order and stop the looting, carjackings and gunfire.... "Last night, Gov. Kathleen Babineaux Blanco said 300 Iraq-hardened Arkansas National Guard members were inside New Orleans with shoot-to-kill orders. " 'These troops are...under my orders to restore order in the streets,' she said. 'They have M-16s, and they are locked and loaded. These troops know how to shoot and kill and they are more than willing to do so if necessary and I expect they will"
The reference to Iraq is eerie. The photo that accompanies this article shows National Guard troops, with rifles and armored vests, riding on an armored vehicle through trash-strewn streets lined by a rabble of squalid, listless people, one of whom appears to be yelling at them. It looks exactly like a scene from Sadr City in Baghdad. What explains bands of thugs using a natural disaster as ! an excuse for an orgy of looting, armed robbery, and rape? What causes unruly mobs to storm the very buses that
have arrived to evacuate them, causing the drivers to drive away, frightened for their lives? What causes people to attack the doctors trying to treat patients at the Super Dome? Why are people responding to natural destruction by causing further destruction? Why are they attacking the people who are trying to help them? My wife, Sherri, figured it out first, and she figured it out on a sense-of-life level. While watching the coverage last night on Fox News Channel, she told me that she was getting a
familiar feeling. She studied architecture at the Illinois Institute of Chicago, which is located in the South Side of Chicago just blocks away from the Robert Taylor Homes, one of the largest high-rise public housing projects in America. "The projects," as they were known, were infamous for uncontrollable crime and irremediable squalor. (They have since, mercifully, been demolished.) What Sherri was getting from last night's television coverage was a whiff of the sense of life of "the projects." Then the "crawl"--the informational phrases flashed at the bottom of the screen on most news channels--gave some vital statistics to confirm this sense: 75% of the residents of New Orleans had already evacuated before the hurricane, and of the 300,000 or so who remained, a large number were from the city's public housing projects. Jack Wakeland then gave me an additional, crucial fact: early reports from CNN and Fox indicated that the city had no plan for evacuating all of the prisoners in the city's jails--so they just let many of them loose. There is no doubt a significant overlap between these two populations--that is, a large number of people in the jails used to live in the housing projects, and vice versa. There were many decent, innocent people trapped in New Orleans when the deluge hit--but they were trapped alongside large numbers of people from two groups: criminals--and wards of the welfare state, people s elected, over decades, for their lack of initiative and self-induced helplessness. The welfare wards were a mass of sheep--on whom the incompetent administration of New Orleans unleashed a pack of wolves. All of this is related, incidentally, to the apparent incompetence of the city government, which failed to plan for a total evacuation of the city, despite the knowledge that this might be necessary. But in a city corrupted by the welfare state, the job of city officials is to ensure the flow of handouts to welfare recipients and patronage to political supporters--not to ensure a lawful, orderly evacuation in case of emergency. No one has really reported this story, as far as I can tell. In fact, some are already actively distorting it, blaming President Bush, for example, for failing to personally ensure that the Mayor of New Orleans had drafted an adequate evacuation plan. The worst example is an execrable piece from the Toronto Globe and Mail, by a supercilious Canadian who blames the chaos on American "individualism." But the truth is precisely the opposite: the chaos was caused by a system that was the exact opposite of individualism. What Hurricane Katrina exposed was the psychological consequences of the welfare state. What we consider "normal" behavior in an emergency is behavior that is normal for people who have values and take the responsibility to pursue and protect them. People with values respond to a disaster by fighting against it and doing whatever it takes to overcome the difficulties they face. They don't sit around and complain that the government hasn't taken care of them. They don't use the chaos of a disaster as an opportunity to prey on their fellow men. But what about criminals and welfare parasites? Do they worry about saving their houses and property? They don't, because they don't own anything. Do they worry about what is going to happen to their
businesses or how they are going to make a living? They never worried about those things before. Do they worry about crime and looting? But living off of stolen wealth is a way of life for them. The welfare state--and the brutish, uncivilized mentality it sustains and encourages--is the man-made disaster that explains the moral ugliness that has swamped New Orleans. And that is the story that no one is reporting.
Source: TIA Daily -- September 2, 2005

[[ Branched ]]*|07:08|

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

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what is it about the thrill of opening a new cd that makes people crazy, oh wait i know this one-- it's because some fucker thought it would be funny to design a virtually unremovable piece of tape on top of cds to keep eager consumers from getting what they rightfully bought.

[[ Branched ]]*|19:10|

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

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"The day his father left, Franz and his mother went into town together, and as they left home Franz noticed that her shoes did not match.  He was in a quandary:  He wanted to point out her mistake, but was afraid he would hurt her.  So during the two hours they spent walking through the city together he kept his eyes fixed on her feet.  It was then he had his first inkling of what it means to suffer."

-the unbearable lightness of being

talk about emotional...i cried today watching how all the kids at school responded generously to the call for help of the hurricane katrina victims.  they brought "kits" in gallon size zip lock bags.  some contained hygiene items such as tooth brushes, tooth paste, bath soap, bath towel, comb, nail clippers and files and bandaids.  another kit contained scissors, notepads, ruler, hand held pencil sharpeners, pencils, erasers, construction paper, and crayons.  then some brought 5 gallon buckets w/ bleach, sponges, brushes, reusable wipes, laundry detergent, household cleaner, dish soap, clothes pins, clothes line, latex gloves, work gloves, trash bags, insect repellent and air fresheners. 

it's all sad.  life is sad. 

[[ Branched ]]*|23:52|

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

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A Typical Late Saturday Night IM

jeremy mitchell: u bored
ugapeach04: no, just checking emails...etc
jeremy mitchell: u should call me we could have some good converstaoin
ugapeach04: phone sex conversation??
jeremy mitchell: if thats what u wanted
ugapeach04: nah...i'm too tired
jeremy mitchell: it ll help u sleep better
ugapeach04: release the sexual tension, huh?
jeremy mitchell: yep for both of us
jeremy mitchell: no strings attached
jeremy mitchell: u can even call me
ugapeach04: i'll take a rain check....i'm gonna go shower and go to bed
jeremy mitchell: what r u wearing
ugapeach04: my uga attire, just got home from the game
jeremy mitchell: r u shaved or trimmed
ugapeach04: good questions, but i'm gonna go shower
jeremy mitchell: damn, you would like it
ugapeach04: i'm sure YOU would....but i'm tired
jeremy mitchell: well have a good night
ugapeach04
you too
ugapeach04: if you change ur mind im here
ugapeach04: i'll keep that in mind
jeremy mitchell: or if wanna talk regular we can do that too
ugapeach04: thx
ugapeach04: bye for now
jeremy mitchell: bye

[[ Branched ]]*|22:42|

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[[ Branched Over Me ]]

Name: "peach"
Bday: july 12
Sign: cancer
yahoo contact: ugapeach04

[[ My Adores ]]

I love the fingers of a baby, the pads on a puppies paw, and I adore you if you love your mom! I love homemade ice-cream, bubblegum, daisies and handwritten things.

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