[[*---Still I Rise---*]]

Thursday, November 24, 2005

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Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!

1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That! 's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

[[ Branched ]]*|03:22|

comments (6)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

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Thanksgiving must be some kind of cosmic magnet for dysfunction. Around this time of year, it feels like everyone cracks open the family annals and whips out a story, or three, of complete disarray due to the combustible cocktail of squabbling relatives and malfunctioning ovens. Turkeys don't defrost. Men drop them. Dogs eat them. Women get distracted and leaves a giblet floating in the gravy, so baby Katie starts screaming and drooling mucus into her mashed potatoes, which she subsequently grinds into the Oriental rug. Uncle Joe gets loaded and tries to carve the turkey with Aunt Edna's false teeth -- without having removed them from her mouth first. By far one of the most entertaining aspects of the holiday is hearing or reading about people's epic Thanksgiving Day disasters, because there seems to be no shortage of them.

Since my grandmother passed away when I was 16, I've mostly tagged along with other families on Thanksgivings, because I was the orphan whose parents always left and went to Myrtle Beach. If there was weird tension, I was oblivious. Not to mention that I was never cooking any of the meal.

This year, though, has the potential to be either awesome or a train wreck. I doubt it'll fall in between.

First, I'm cooking, which is exciting and terrifying. I always get anxiety when I'm making food for people, as if they'll suddenly stop liking me the second anything comes out less than perfect. And while I wouldn't blame Haley for storming out of the house in the face of a slightly runny Red Velvet Cake, because we take dessert very seriously in our circle of “family“, I also know that it's highly unlikely Haley would do that because she was brought up right and she's a lovely 14 year old. Also, runny Red Velvet Cake is still edible Red Velvet Cake….right?

The men, with help from the women, will be in charge of the turkey. Not me of course, because I refuse to get within ten feet of the little baggie of doom that comes tucked inside the bird. In fact, until about three or four years ago, when I happened to be standing next to my mom as she prepped the Christmas turkey, I had no idea that the neck and innards came with the thing. I had no idea that the way you make proper gravy is to throw said innards into a pot, partly because I don't eat gravy, but mostly because when my mom serves it, it doesn‘t have all those “innard parts“, because she is sane, because hello, turkey neck-and-goo juice sounds ten different kinds of sick. Also, I'll be making all the other trappings, but for pie -- instead, I'm doing the aforementioned (see previous post) Red Velvet Cake, just b/c it's Jay's favorite. At least he claims he LOVES my runny Red Velvet Cakes..or either he’s just polite like that.

Yes, I said Jay. The major potential strain is that Jay will be here. He'd planned to come here back in October, when we first realized he had a bevy of tickets to the UGA vs. Ga. Tech game, played in Atlanta on Saturday. Excitedly, he bought his plane ticket so that he'd spend Thanksgiving with us and we'd all go to the game together on Saturday.

It's possible I could have waited and not let everything go down until after his last visit, but that seemed dishonest, and frankly, more problematic and destructive than just being honest right away and worrying about logistics later. After our first week of not talking, I gently brought up the fact that our Thanksgiving plan concerned me, given that he wasn't even emotionally stable enough for us to talk comfortably. I got scared that he'd take one look at me and be like, "I can't do this," but be stuck in Atlanta on a major holiday when he could've been with his new girlfriend. I offered to pay for whatever ticket changes he needed to make in order to be with her on Thanksgiving instead of in Atlanta, explaining that I was not trying to push him away, but rather I was concerned that it wasn't a healthy idea for him to show up on my doorstep a mere week after letting down his girlfriend.

Jay insisted he'd be fine...she'd be fine. He seemed to miss the point a bit, swearing rather defensively that he didn't have ulterior motives for still wanting to come, and that he just wanted to prove that we could get back on track as friends no matter what else went on between us. It seemed to me a little awkward to do this, but he was adamant, and even got a bit miffed at me for levelly admitting that my reservations stemmed from the fact that, were I in his position, I'd change my holiday plans and go somewhere a little less painful. After that torturous but mercifully brief debate, Jay won, and he's coming. He'll be here tonight, and I have no clue which Jay to expect -- the one who's sunny and delightful and just likes hanging around us, or the one I refused to move to NYC almost exactly a year ago. The one who claimed to be happy but got off on silently letting me know he wished he was anywhere else. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I know that by and large he isn't that Jay any more. But I also know that what he's feeling is intense and hard to control, and thereby uncomfortably unpredictable.

I wish I already knew the outcome, so that I'd know how to feel right now. If I knew, for instance, that the weekend was going to be a complete success, I'd be eagerly anticipating his arrival and starting to get really excited about a road trip, a football game, and a weekend away. But I can't seem to get there yet, because I feel as if he needs to be with his new girlfriend and her family. Okay, I totally just lied. I’m already anxiously awaiting Jay’s arrival and I’m only TRYING to be fair to his girlfriend.

Whenever I get nervous, I try to remind myself that Jay’s one of my best friends, and that no matter what else is going on in our lives, neither of us wants to jeopardize that. I'm sure he'll be on his best behavior because he'll be conscious of proving that we can hang out and be normal, even though he has a girlfriend…. and I won't be uncomfortable as long as he doesn't seem uncomfortable. Maybe the whole thing will work out.

Regardless, I resolve not to complain. I guess this is my version of the pressure-filled family holiday, the one with undercurrents and tensions that seem unbearable and dreadful at the time but which elicit big laughs in retrospect, once you distance yourself from the dumb stuff and just remind yourself gratefully that to surround yourself with loved ones, even those you love but don't always like, is a blessing. Being able to spend Thanksgiving with any family at all -- real or surrogate -- is a pretty special situation, and it's worth lugging the baggage.

[[ Branched ]]*|12:15|

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Let me emphasize, I AM NOT a baker!!!! It took me TWO hours to make THIS RED VELVET CAKE....and I can't cut it until tomorrow!!

[[ Branched ]]*|06:02|

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in a world such as this, how can there be happiness, much less hope?

i believe i have found it. not happiness, but hope. --maybe--

in the next few months... well, we'll see ;-)

as stupid or messed up as things feel right now, i feel like smiling. maybe its a functional disconnect on my part.

[[ Branched ]]*|01:43|

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

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1. Do you love someone? define love

2.How much cash do you have on you? Literally, none. Probably some change and a crumpled dollar bill or two at the bottom of my purse.

3.What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Breast.

4.Favorite plant? Daisies, is that a plant?

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Probably Jay. I was sleeping when he called.

6.What is your main ring tone on your phone? Just the typical Nokia theme, nothing special.

7.What shirt are you wearing? Simple black v-neck

8.Do you "label" yourself? Probably but never with any real commitment or intention. I avoid it at best. Ideally, no, I do not.

9.Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? Bare feet. I prefer walking around barefoot most of the time.

10.Bright or Dark Room? Dark.

11.What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? I don't actually know her.

12.Ever "spilled the beans"? Probably. I don't remember it though.

13.What were you doing at midnight last night? Writing, wondering about how fucking little I know, WE as the human species know, about the world around us and the nature of being. Call me a nerd.

14.What did your last text message you recieved on your cell phone say? I don't remember and I don't feel like looking. I think it was "Call me when you feel better.”--Jay

15.Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? Never!

16.What's a saying that you say a lot? "Fuck it!"

17.Who told you they loved you last? My son.

18.Last furry thing you touched? Hershey, my puppy.

19.How many hours a week do you work? What’s work? No, really…it varies.

20.How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? I don't think I actually NEED to do anything like that. But there are some random disposable cameras floating around my old house with no pictures left. I do, however, have pictures on disk that I should get developed.

21.Favorite age you have been so far? Probably younger than 10. An exact age that comes to mind is 16.

22.Your worst enemy? Myself.

23.what is your current desk top picture? A beach scene w/ a palm tree.

24.what was the last thing you said to someone? "Wake up!”

25.If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time to fix all of your mistakes, which would you pick? A million bucks. I don't think anything in my past could be altered to more of my liking than its original. I'd probably make things worse.

26.How tall are you? 5' 2.5"

27.Do you own a gun? For safety purposes only (lots of family members in law enforcement make me.)

28.Rehab? Necessary suckage?

29.Have you ever killed an animal? A bird hit my car once, and NO, I didn‘t feel bad.

30.Are you Irish? A little of this and a little of that. I’m a mutt.

31.What's your favorite Christmas song? I‘ll Be Home For Christmas.

32.What is your favorite smell? Cherry Blossom scented candles.

33.What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Liquor. I'm a sick, sick person…but just b/c it’s my preference, doesn’t mean I drink it!!

34.Have you ever done ecstasy? No but I've experienced ecstasy.

35.Have you been shot? Only in dreams.

36.Have you ever been hospitalized? Too many times to count.

37.Do you like painkillers? I’m a poster child for substance dependance!!

38.Whats your secret weapon to lure in the opposite sex? I assume "sex" refers to gender. As for seduction in general and how I work it, I have no idea. Mostly, it seems like a fucking accident to me on this end.

39.Do you own a knife? I have a set of kitchen knives.

40.Do you love the pain a tattoo brings? I wouldn't know but I could imagine myself settling into the pain nicely after a while. The belly button piercing didn’t hurt, so I think I’d be okay.

41.Name Five Drinks You Regularly Drink: Water, Apple Juice, Dr. Pepper, Tea, Cappuchino.

42.What's In Your CD Player? Random songs I burned myself.

43.What's Under Your Bed? A baseball bat, and I‘m not afraid to use it.

44.What Time Did You Wake Up Today? 2:00am--ish but I fell asleep at 8pm

45.Current Worry? No idea what to do with my life.

47.Current Hate? "Hate" is really too strong of a word, cliche as it sounds. When it comes to seriousness, I don't hate anybody or anything.

48.Favorite Place To Be? Anytime I feel happy and either stimulated or relaxed.

49.Least Favorite Place? Anytime I feel like too many expect too much from me or that I'm being taken for granted.

50.If You Could Play An Instrument What Would It Be? No desire to play.

51.One person From Your Past You Wish You Could be with? Chad.

52.Where Would You Like To Go? The ocean….RIGHT NOW!!

53.Where Do you want to live? On the ocean.

54.Color of most clothes you own? Brown or black.

55.Number of pillows you sleep with? 2..one to sleep on and one to snuggle.

56.What do you wear when you go to sleep? Pj pants and a tankie, usually.

57.What do you think you'll be doing in 10 years? Not a clue. I try not to think that far in advance. Bad way of thinking, I know.

58.First piercing/tattoo? Earlobes.

64. What color are your bedroom walls? Ummm, chocolate milk brown?

65.Last thing that made you laugh? My doctor was about to give me a shot and I said, “is this one of those that‘s going to hurt?” He said, “It‘s not going to hurt me a bit!”

66.Best bed sheets you had as a child? Hmmmm, Charlie brown, I think?

67.Any pets now? Hershey the chocolate lab puppy and Myrtle the turtle.

68.Have you ever won any awards? Jay gave me a “Best Kisser Award”…but I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for. Hehe Student of the month, perfect attendance, etc…..bullshit in elementary, spelling bee champ for the school in 7^th and 8^th grade, most creative science project….courtesy of a local tv station, a poetry contest that was published in Teen Magazine (long ago), lots of awards for projects in FHA in high school. Can remember anything outstanding in college. My co-workers nominated me as Teacher of the Year a couple of years ago…and I won.

69.If u could pick one person to make out with who would it be? That‘s a tough one, but probably Jay--only b/c I know I can‘t. Dammit.

70. What color underwear are you wearing? Who said I was wearing any? Just kidding. No. Wait. Oh okay, they're orange-ish w/ some sort of stripes or something.

71. What Do You Like Doing When You're Depressed? Being alone, sleeping…total isolation.

72. Single OR Taken? Taken in a not so good way.

[[ Branched ]]*|09:42|

Monday, November 21, 2005

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my body is sick. it's coughing, it's aching, it's sniffling, it's sneezing, it has a headache and it's trying to breathe while I'm just sitting here inside of myself wondering when it's going to end. wondering if this is going to last throughout the entire holiday season as it usually does until after the new year. if so, i know the black pit is around the corner. i just have to save enough strength to be able to get myself out of that pit in order not to ruin the holidays for everyone else. i'm so separated from my body right now that it's hard to identify with what I look like when I pass a mirror.

maybe it's obligatory to get sick within the first week of Thanksgiving and/or Christmas....i always did as a child. somewhere, someone thought it was good idea. or it's just randomocity, a new word that's really an old word i made up a few years ago that I didn't even make up first when I first thought of it. speaking of Thanksgiving, i’m reaching those holiday blues in a big kind of way….really fast!!

backtracking to saturday, i had a brief soul conversation with the sun. i don't know what else to call it really. i felt compelled to go outside and sit with the sun for a while. i didn't expect anything more than pleasure from the warmth of a quick sunbath, even as cold as it was. however, within the first two minutes of enjoying my own company I understood that all things had spiritual prescence, from humans to leaves to stars and planets. it might not necessarily be consciousness as we're familiar with it but it made me pass time just thinking about it. it’s something beyond the imperfect human definition of consciousness. It was like experiencing a complete understanding between my soul and the sun's soul. meanwhile my cerebral cortex buzzes away with, "The sun doesn't have a soul! It's not conscious!" while somewhere inside of me.....somewhere ELSE contradicted this immediately. I thanked the sun-- "just in case" i told my buzzing brain--and let the mingling continue until i was done, for whatever reason.

so, i'm weird. i've talk to the moon and today, i talked to the sun, actually feeling that it listened, that it cherished me in that moment, only to reveal it wasn't just the sun but everything giving me a nod of some kind of recognition, a protection too, as one. i'm crazy. yeah, that’s it…i’m just crazy.

[[ Branched ]]*|03:37|

Sunday, November 20, 2005

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how accurate are horoscopes?! here's mine for today:

You're sensitive, you're emotional, and you wonder why everyone else in the world exists on a different plane. You cannot eat, breathe, or sleep without analyzing each action to death. You're usually somber, depressed, lethargic, but you can be nearly glad from time to time. You wear whatever you can find on your cluttered bedroom floor. You carry books, notepads, reading glasses with you wherever you go. You have friends, but only a few who truly get where you're coming from. You frequent coffee shops, libraries, and the less crowded bars. You're obsessed with past people, past ideas, past lives. You wish you could die and be reborn as Jack Kerouac.

[[ Branched ]]*|09:48|

comments (1)

Saturday, November 19, 2005

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Quick post:

GO DAWGS!! (of course we can take Kentucky)

GO TIGERS!! Close, CLOSE, game vs. Carolina!

GO FALCONS!!! vs. Tampa Bay (i'm afraid to even make a prediction. both are 6-3, but that means nothing!)

Isn't it obvious how sad I am that football season is slowly coming to an end?! haha

[[ Branched ]]*|05:59|

comments

Thursday, November 17, 2005

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why do i act on impulse? i really shouldn't decide to do makeovers this close to christmas! i went shopping, in search of a specific scented candle. this is what i came home with:

it really is lovely, is it not?!

[[ Branched ]]*|20:09|

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

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nice is not even close to how i feel about catching up with old friends---good friends. there's definitely a comfort in seeing someone after not seeing them for one full year and feeling like you just saw them yesterday. picking right back up where you left off... it's a beautiful thing.

i have a really good memory when it comes to time spent with people i care about.

[[ Branched ]]*|08:32|

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Monday, November 14, 2005

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i was thinking. what's more important....the love of your life or the life of your love?

i SERIOUSLY need to be working. where do these random thoughts come from?!

[[ Branched ]]*|15:55|

comments (6)

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it feels backwards to thank divine time that monday is here but I find myself relieved this weekend is finished.

my body is screaming at me for allowing myself to obligate myself to the needs of everyone else. i've been bleeding emotions into some alternate dimension, squeezing them furtively into some secret envelope slit in this world leading to another. much like a child sweeps their messy evidence under the bed.

[[ Branched ]]*|14:08|

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Sunday, November 13, 2005

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there is absolutely no reason for me to hear christmas carols inside the mall today.

no reason at all!!

[[ Branched ]]*|21:46|

comments (7)

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seems that i've been spending a lot of time at airports and it's become something of a love/hate relationship. at times it's thrilling to go, but then for totally different reasons, it sux! the return home is what i dread most, not because i don't like home but because i have to come back to reality. i will once again have to be some odd miles from …reality.

i always get a warm feeling when i see two people who are obviously in love, parting ways at the airport. they share that last ounce of closeness with a lingering hug and a hurried kiss and i wonder if people feel that way when they see us. i've been told that we look like we're very much in love and i'm not sure what that means but it sounds good.

when it's time to say goodbye at the airport, i've learned that the quicker i walk away the easier it is because that last half second I’m w/ him doesn't take away the fact that someone has to go. i wonder if people can read the sadness on my face. while i'm standing there in the mile long security line i start to miss him and my fingers run up and down the keys on my cell phone but i fight the urge because it's only been 5 minutes and i don't want him to know how weak i am. but he learns soon enough that i'm crying in line. sleep will help and when i wake up the distance between he and i will have doubled and tripled and the first thing i do when i get home is recharge my phone and wonder when i will see him again.

[[ Branched ]]*|15:11|

Saturday, November 12, 2005

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My post for today is short and simple.

1- GO DAWGS!!

2- Jay flew in yesterday...a total shock and surprise! A lovely surprise, at that! (can you see me smiling?!) It's going to be a good weekend after all.

[[ Branched ]]*|06:52|

Friday, November 11, 2005

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The words that follow came before the ones you're reading now. But I felt it necessary to note here for my reference, that I've never written an entry that resonated so deeply with my heart. This is IT. This is "the one." So, Peach, pay attention. You'll probably need to come back here a lot.

I've always felt lost.

Like I lost my train ticket to an unexpected gust of wind. For now, I'm simply wandering around a place full of strange things and strange people, all of them speaking in a language I never quite understand as well as I should. Still, I try to find that train ticket, but to no avail.

Meanwhile, it feels like abandonment. I'm orphaned here while everyone exits and enters. People enter and exit the thing like it's not even a big deal, unaware of how lucky they are to have their tickets, destination bought and paid for. It's like I never got over the loss--but it's such a huge, indescribable loss to me that it seems to transcend the loss of the literal ticket manifold, permanently altering me. But a loss beyond the ticket of what, I truly don't know. Perhaps I describe the train and its busy people as such because I'm bitter that they have tickets when I do not.

Ever since that night, so long ago, my self confidence has been, seemingly, fatally wounded. Everyone else who ever experienced this got over it, but not me. He tore off the brightest part of my soul and ground it into nothing with one stomping foot in front of the entire world. I can almost see myself from the outside: standing there trying with all my might not to cry or give him the pleasure of knowing his words and actions are digging into my heart, drawing winking droplets of blood. I think I remember the thought, "I should've known that would happen. It always does eventually." None of my attempts to heal myself have worked deep enough to nurture the core of that wound back to health. I yearn for it to heal. I'm not sure why it hangs on to me, or I onto it. I don't know how to reclaim the part he tore off because I don't know where to find it.

So, still, I roam around with aggravated scars and a sadness, maybe a grieving sadness, it's unclear. The only thing that's clear, is that the sadness seems much, much older than my 32 years. I feel a huge swell of panic or anxiety, like I'm going to burst inside because I'm so embarassingly stuck. Meanwhile, I've actually been given something great, something beautiful, powerful, life-altering, mind-blowing and all that good stuff--but I don't know how to use it or even activate it. It's like being given a piece of technology that assures all humanity great relief of all its heavy, heavy suffering. I'm deeply expected to use it but I don't know how to operate it or turn it on, let alone read the language the instruction booklet is written in--if there even is an instruction booklet. Since I never had access to the language the booklet is written in, it could be something completely useless to the operation of this tool for all I know.

So here I am, trying to reach my nameless destination but stranded here with a tool I don't possess the knowledge to use. I'm no closer to solving anything. I keep trying to learn about this tool thingy so I that can move on and create my own destination. I just know that once I figure it out, it'll all come naturally to me, train ticket or not. I feel the eyes upon me, imagining their owners becoming impatient and put off by my density, my slowness to act. The eyes roll, indicating how slow I am to come to my senses, judging me because it's just SO simple to them and "why can't she just realize it?" Why won't they just tell me how to do it or show me how to do it? Why don't they give me any hints? Or do they pretend to know where I'm coming from and where I'm going when they really don't have a clue either so that they can continue to deny they aren't progressing any further on their own journeys either? But I know that not all of them can feel this way. No, this is not always the case. I feel insecure and ashamed that I cannot pass this supposedly simple, preliminary test, particularly when I "have something so good to give." I am sad because there are no elders to pass down 'the sacred knowledge' to me and I think I just lose myself in that.

I don't know what struck me to write this entry. I just know that it's been swimming alongside my brain for a long time, the background hum to all of my daily activities, big and small. I was listening to some intense, tribal drumming and reading about how intention behind action is what life is all about. How there's a balance between too general and too specific that limits or slows us all down. I need to create a much vaster intent to guide my life anywhere. I'm too scattered but never knew how to focus it, like a laser beam directed exactly where I want to go, even just a general direction. People have told me what I began to admit to myself already; that I actually CAN be unusually intelligent a fair share of the time, a strange mix of qualities that add up to something creative and necessary in this world. I can't see it all but I do get the gist, a glimpse of it inside of myself every now and then. This is the "tool" that I accidentally switch on from time to time while someone happens to be watching. They seem have their opinions of where I should aim this "tool." But I don't have a clue, and it's important that I do.

"You have a lot of time," they tell me, "you're young, you've got natural gifts and talents. Don't worry about it." As if there's no way I could go wrong, as if it were really just simple and that I could just sit here and watch it happen rather than take active part in it. I don't want to get stuck in that limbo, that mind trap. I don't want to live at this train station forever. Even if I end up sleeping on the side of the road for months at a time, I prefer it to the train station if it means I'm going somewhere my heart agrees passionately with. Because as long as it's in my heart, I'm never without a home.

Unfortunately, my ego is strong, at least developing stronger in detrimental ways as I get older. That is what makes it more difficult to kick it out of the way, . Kicking it out of the way. My initial reaction. Ah. Borne out of fear. Everyone needs a balance of ego, shadow, and divine. But doesn't it sound as if it would be so much simpler than reconciling with it and the fears imbued into my shadow self? Obviously it doesn't work that way. The answer is, so even if it SOUNDS easier to kick and punch and pummel and scream, it's definitely not easier in the long run. I've been creating more work for myself than necessary.

Perhaps ego is the reason my much younger self was so much braver in the face of life's possibilities; see, that part of me wasn't nearly as strong back then, not strong enough to be as resistant as it is now, at least. Have I turned away from myself in an effort to pretend I don't have the strength to carry as much as I can carry, turned away from this mysterious "potential" those I respect have told me about myself throughout time? How do I shut up the self-mutilating dialogue that talks me out of "this" and "that", the fake monster who really tears and eats up my courage to just LET what I have inside me come out to do it's good in the world? Thoughts are stronger than I think most people realize and in that respect, my sensitivity works against me. How to turn it on around to cooperate with me rather than master me?

I'm not sure what it is or what I'm getting at. Only that something new is being shoved around inside my head and I'd better not ignore it.

[[ Branched ]]*|07:35|

Thursday, November 10, 2005

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I'm usually a very positive person, okay...no, i'm really NOT a positive person (as much as i would like to be.) As much as I know that I have a million and one things to be thankful for, I just can't seem to penetrate those thoughts into my head. i usually blame all bad things on genetics or the weather, but this time of year...i think it's more like "the season." I hate this time of year. I hate the weather. The cold is sneaking up on us...but not really. Afterall, it is November. It's that season where your fingers freeze at the keyboard. (are there gloves made for typing, cut out at the fingertips perhaps?) It's the season where I get up to eat breakfast, but usually end up crawling back in bed until the last minute, just to stay warm. I'm glad I'm not a smoker...I'd hate to slip outside all day feeling the cold, crisp air. I wish I were the type to wear turtlenecks, but that only makes me feel a faint drumming sensation in the pit of my belly, which some would say something is amiss. Is there a such thing as holiday blues? holiday depression (added to normal depression?)

Oh well, this is just the way things are, for better or worse, so there's no use trying to give it a name.

[[ Branched ]]*|05:27|

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Wednesday, November 09, 2005

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You know those days when you wake up and you don't want to get out of bed for some reason, and then you do get out of bed and you realize you were right to want to stay in bed and you probably would have been better off there? Not just for the sake of sleeping, but b/c everything you touch falls to shit and everything you say is misinterpreted.

Yeah, me too.

My first thoughts were to call jay...but then it hit me, jay now has a girlfriend!!

[[ Branched ]]*|06:30|

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Tuesday, November 08, 2005

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it's supposed to be 70 degrees outside or something like that but in my house, it feels like 40.

i'm listening to love songs. it's like honey.... i'm on this love song kick right now. i just woke up and suddenly had the burning desire to make a love song cd. not the regular love songs but the soulful kind. stuff you could groove to before during and after you have very sensual relations with a person. HALLELUJAH !

what the world... needs now.... is LOVE... sweet love. thank you burt bacharach!

[[ Branched ]]*|07:29|

comments (3)

Monday, November 07, 2005

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motime is the fun diary and my diary is my "real" diary, at least the one i'm most honest in. not that any entries here are lies but i can't seem to open up here as much...it's like, that's reserved for diaries and motime is fun for expressing a whole lotta did-lee.

i feel like a whore, cheating on her significant other with someone else for the occasional thrill of copping feels in public and more often, that gratuitous fuck and suck. In other words, i've been keeping a diary since …forever! while motime is different. plus people i encounter daily have easier access to this one than my other one. i feel safer, if that makes any sense.

paranoia, paranoia everybody's coming to get me. i know.

anyway, i'll come back later when i have something more entertaining and/or important to write. ha. like that's gonna happen!!

[[ Branched ]]*|11:39|

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"I no longer love him, that's certain, but maybe I love him.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long."

when you walk around outside and you watch the leaves fall and you feel the cold nipping at your skin and you flash a smile that radiates from the heart, what are you thinking about? can you see me standing there with both hands in my pockets flashing the same bright smile back at you?

taking a trip down Memory Lane....can't say that it feels good but it doesn't feel bad either. i claim to love change but i think that's a lie.

[[ Branched ]]*|01:43|

Thursday, November 03, 2005

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A US Customs Primary Inspector at a border crossing asked the driver of the suburban for vehicle registration. Finally, a hand came out of the glove compartment producing the requesting document, which the driver then handed the inspector. Since the driver didn't appear to be a member of "The Adams Family" , the inspector became suspicious..leading to a full search. Just think, if alien smuggles can hide a 135 lb body behind the dashboard of a car ---just imagine what they can do w/ dope!

[[ Branched ]]*|20:19|

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

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i've been very fortunate in terms of meeting really cool new people. in the past week, i've met two of them. what are the chances of that?! i mean sometimes i go months without meeting someone cool. anyone who can chill as hard as they party has a gold-star in my book. and i like people who know a lot about a lot. that's a perk. having brains is SO attractive.

[[ Branched ]]*|23:21|

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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

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i've made myself sick from eating so much candy corn!! why do i find comfort in insisting to eat the entire bag...ALONE, in one day?

on another note, what is the price of comfort anyway? my heater is on 24 hours a day. does $200 dollars extra per month equal the amount of comfort i receive from being warm and cozy? i tried COLD and it's hard and it's miserable. i think when i actually write the check to pay the gigantic bill, i'm going to turn off the heater for good. riiiight, like that's gonna happen!!

[[ Branched ]]*|16:53|