Finally I feel empowered and renewed. Who would have thought, surely I didn't. Now I can see the light at the end of that dark horrifying tunnel.
My heart no longer aches, my eyes no longer know tears.
My mind is no longer screaming from the thoughts that once raced through my head.
I thought I would die in this hell, in this crazy mixed up world within my mind.
The light is within my reach, although I am still reaching I know that someday I will get to that opening and watch the doves fly above announcing my freedom.
As I wake up, my thoughts come in the form of the "Serenity Prayer". For me and many others, these words while simple are some of the most profound advice one can ever follow. I hope everyone is able to reflect upon them and apply them to the areas in life that give the most grief and heartache. Sometimes in order to gain control, one must be able to totally let go. Remember everything happens for a reason and while those reasons may not be evident at first, the answer usually becomes crystal clear in time. Be patient! God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
I think I've lost my son, thanks to all these things that Santa left for him. I also think my kids are going to be wild when we return to school on Jan. 4th. On the last day of school, before the holidays...the kids had a pajama party, drank hot cocoa, and watched The Polar Express. Do they look interested?! On a totally different note...As I step into this vast arena, the words of Socrates come to mind. "An unexamined life is not worth living." Yesterday, I looked inside and discovered it takes a stronger person to forgive than it does to remain steadfast on my principles and beliefs. Anger, disappointment and fear are all very powerful negative feelings. More often than not, those negative feelings are created by someone close to us and designed to manipulate and control. Yesterday, I learned how to be free and look past the negative feelings. The gamble isn't in loving, but in stepping outside the safety of the all the positive feelings and being able to choose a particular path based solely upon what my heart tells me to do. Doing that gave me an incredible sense of personal power and freedom. Yesterday I learned love isn't about being right, but about being me. They say "to err is human and to forgive is divine". I guess that makes me extremely human and working towards divinity. Forgiving others is simple! I find what's hardest is to forgive myself, yet I truly believe it's okay to make mistakes as long as a person learns from the mistakes they make. Without mistakes a person can never grow, learn and test the boundaries of life. Have I learned from my mistakes? Would I repetitiously do the same stupid things ? I think as I examine my life and the world around me, the answer to those questions will unfold. This journey may get a little bumpy along the way, so just follow the yellow brick road...
I had a wonderful Christmas...hope all of you did, too. I have lots of major details to share with some particular gifts I received, but I'll share those with you at a later date...when things seem a little more appropriate. I did realize yesterday that it doesn't matter how hard we try, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we try to impress others, I don't get it. Why can't we love ourselves? We spend years in therapy figuring out why we don't love ourselves. We spend fortunes divorcing spouses who don't love us. Most of us try to avoid people who make us feel badly about ourselves. But we can't get away from ourselves. So why not give in and feel good about the one person we can't divorce or get over? When I was in high school, as my friends were bouncing from "relationship" to "relationship," they would come to me and ask for advice. I would always tell them (somewhere between what a jerk he was and how she deserved better), "Remember, either way, you are the one person you'll always have to live with." They looked at me so strangely. It sounds strange, coz of course we are stuck with ourselves, but really... we will always look at the same face in the mirror. Always have the same little Jiminy Cricket. Can't shake 'im. I've tried. And that little guy in our heads has a memory that makes elephants look like Alzheimer's patients. I guess it's pretty hard to ignore the guy who, when you are having one of the happiest days of your life, tries to tell you you don't deserve it because of the little boy you kicked in the shins in the fourth grade. But he serves a good purpose, too, right? Isn't he the one to pop up and point out that this road looks a little familiar and you got hurt the last time you travelled it? The so-called "voice of reason"? So, to love ourselves, I guess we have to love him. But that doesn't make him right. When we gain a little weight and he says "you looked so much prettier when you could wear those other jeans," it seems so much easier to believe it. But your blue eyes still shine. Your hair is still full and wavy. You still look great in pink. Why do we only see the negative in ourselves? I guess it's a little silly. I guess without self criticism, we wouldn't strive. But too much self criticism cost folks like Karen Carpenter their lives. Next time you can't quite zip your jeans up, try walking into the bathroom and flashing yourself the cute smile with the dimples. Accentuate the positive. People will notice the difference.
Major Depressive Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell You Why Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Queens Disoriented Are Amnesia --- I Don't Know If I'll be Home for Christmas Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me Manic --- Deck The Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and ... Paranoid --- Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells ... Agoraphobia --- I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day But Wouldn't Leave My House Senile Dementia --- Walking in a Winter Wonderland Miles From My House in My Slippers and Robe Oppositional Defiant Disorder --- I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus So I Burned Down the House Social Anxiety Disorder --- Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas While I Sit Here and Hyperventilate 
The idea of doing all this holiday stuff while you're depressed is beyond overwhelming. Shop for Christmas presents? You're having trouble getting out to shop for food! Decorate the house? You don't even know if you'll get laundry done so you'll have clean underwear tomorrow. Send out Christmas cards to 50 of your closest relatives and friends? What would you say in them - "Doing awful. My new pastime is staring at the ceiling. I hate myself. My clothes are falling off me because I don't eat anymore. I can't wait till the holidays are over. Don't bother to call. By the way, Happy Holidays!" It's miserable to be depressed during the holidays. One reason is that you know that you really should be enjoying all the wonderful things that come along with them. As down as I sound on the season, I really do enjoy a lot of Christmas-ish things - decorating the tree and the house, giving and receiving presents, watching Rudolph and the Grinch and even sending out Christmas cards. But when I'm depressed, the fact that I can't enjoy these things makes me twice as miserable, and I hate myself for not partaking fully in the joys of the season. Another thing that makes it so hard being depressed during the holidays is that doing the holidays right requires planning and organization. If you're depressed, you're so far from having those capabilities that it's pathetic. You can't even plan past the next five minutes, let alone a whole holiday season. And organization? Please! You probably are about to have your electricity cut off because you haven't been able to organize yourself enough to pay your bills. Oh well...only 2 days to go!!!
blame is a very human attempt to make sense of something that goes bad, but most of the time we hate the way it feels. and yet when something bad happens to us, it's almost a reflex to think, "it's because everyone hates me, because I'm a loser, because I'm doomed." and so the blame begins. we blame other people, and then we end up with the sense that the world is full of bad people. we blame ourselves, and then instead of feeling healthy, strong, and whole we see ourselves as sick, weak, and broken. and we blame life itself. what could be more demoralizing than feeling condemned to having bad things always happen to us and not being able to do anything about it? while i'm on the blaming issue, ya know, i'm really tired of being taken advantage of by others. isn't friendship supposed to be a give and take?! when things go bad for other ppl, i'm the one who's supposed to sit back and listen...but when something bad is going on in my life, i'm last on the priority list of someone offering a shoulder to lean on. some people just aren't worthy of my friendship. 2006 is the beginning of a new year...a new everything!! you know, it's true: cowards die a thousand deaths, heroes die but once. i'd rather live a short life without fear than the living death of a long life filled with fear.
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be...a roommate, a neighbor, a professor, a friend, a lover, or even a complete stranger, but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment they will affect your life in some profound way. Sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and pointless. The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from. In fact, they are sometimes the most important ones. If someone loves you, give love back to them in whatever way you can, not only because they love you, but because in a way, they are teaching you to love and how to open your heart and eyes to things. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart. Make every day count. Appreciate every moment and take from those moments everything that you possibly can for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before, and listen to what they have to say. Let yourself fall in love, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right to. Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself, coz if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you. You can make anything you wish of your life. Create your own life and then go out and live it with absolutely no regrets. And if you love someone tell them, for you never know what tomorrow may have in store. Learn a lesson in life each day that you live! Today is the tomorrow you were worried about yesterday. Now think about it, was it worth it??
Ever have one of those really bad days where you're just pissed at everyone for no reason?
That's about how my day has been.
I suppose with 14000+ hits to my blog that there are bound to be a few cowards to fall through the cracks. I have been doing this blog for almost a couple of years and have been very fortunate that my supportive to coward ratio has been pretty low. What I mean is....I have encountered many more nice and supportive people than cowards. I am fairly certain a few of the comments may be from a person who I have had "dealings" with in the real world. It gives me great pleasure to read their comments b/c that tells me that I am renting space in their brain. Vindictive is most definitely a character flaw that I possess and one that I freely admit to. But there are others who feel it is their mission in life to point out my inadequacies as a person...these are the most interesting comments of all!
How DELUSIONAL are these people???? Do they honestly think I’m going to read their comments...which by the way is always posted “unlogged visitor“, and think to myself...oh yes, “unlogged visitor” is absolutely right! I have been oblivious for 32 years but “unlogged visitor” has made me see the light of day. I now see how selfish/bitchy/whiney....insert whatever word you want.....I have been all these years! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
Now tell me....who do you think needs a dose of reality???? I know my limitations and deficiencies. you are damn right... I can be bitchy, selfish, whiney and I also won't shop at Kmart because it smells funny...sue me!! I also know that i live a pretty damn successful life. I have a great kid (most days)...and terrific friends....I am very good at my job...my kids/boss/coworkers love me....my kid's friends come to me when they need an adult to talk to, I’m also a mentor to high school kids, one of which I willingly took into my home and continue to write checks for his college needs. I can honestly say that the majority of people who meet me in the real world like me...the rationale in my mind tells me I must be doing something right. If I were living in a van down by the river, if small animals and babies whimpered when approached by me, if my family wanted nothing to do with me...I may think...hmmm....MAYBE I do need to reevaluate my character traits and flaws.
Manners have taught me that no one is perfect and to try not to judge others...unless you want to be judged also. What is that passage in the bible? "He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone" John 8:7 (Okay, close your mouths peeps. yeah... I have read the bible) Proper manners have also told me that I shouldn't go around to other people's sites and criticize them…what do I gain by doing that? absolutely nothing.... we are all unique, and these are our outlets for expression. what I write is individual to me....just like what anyone else writes in their blog....if I don't like what someone writes....free will baby...I don't read it. What's next? Will these same people break into my house...read my old journals and make corrections with a red pen? Sorry...I have much better things to do with my time and energy than to worry about the type of person you are, and frankly....I don't give a shit.
Of course, there will always be the random few who feel their negative opinions mean something, but guess what..it doesn‘t. I will still have my job...kiss my kid goodnight...live in a nice house. the sun still rises and sets...whether you like me or not....my aim in life is not to seek approval from anonymous people that have no relevance in my life.
The thing I find most amusing is that the criticisims are ALWAYS posted anonymously. if you can't stand by your comments, how much weight do you think your words carry? It only tells me that you are a coward and you have a false sense of security...security that you obviously lack in real life. Right now I have just judged you...I have no problem saying what I feel and standing by it, but obviously you do and in my mind, that makes you weak. Thanks to mo‘time, i have met lots of people that I seriously would like to meet...some who have blogs...some who don't and we communicate via email....the infamous circle of bitches...or blog dorks...what an awesome group of people! I do know one thing if you come to my blog and act like an ass, be prepared to be used for entertainment purposes. It really helps with the content. I have been blogging for so long....sometimes I really don't have anything to say, and for that I'd like to thank you. I am tired and really had nothing to say but thanks to you, I have a rather lengthy post after all. Now if you'll excuse me... *why do I get these spineless, pathetic assholes who comment on my blog who probably sit at home watching porno while eating cheetos and then wonder why their dick is orange??*
Assume. Makes an ASS out of U and not me. Saturday night as everyone left the Christmas party get-together at Jay’s apt, I got these LOOKS because I wasn't leaving with them, these looks of “I know what they‘re up to..hehehe!” I hate that! It’s all an assumption and I don't understand why I'm so bothered by the fact that people just ASSUME things that aren't true. I should just brush it off because it isn‘t true. I mean, the only people that even know anything about my sometimes-not-so-hidden desires for Jay are you guys! (and jay, of course) Why is everyone so obsessed w/ intimacy, anyway? Most ppl think that being intimate is to be having sex. People are just depriving themselves of truly intimate moments, of talking for hours about all kinds of things, of baring one's soul to another, of just being in the presence of someone so close. That's intimacy. I guess I was a little shocked by what some people were saying Saturday too; I got a flavor of a side that I'd never seen, never knew existed. When you meet cool people, you just expect that everything they say and think will be the same as what you say and think...but then sometimes you're shocked. Just shocked. And I was.
Announcement: JAY AND I ARE ONLY FRIENDS (close friends, but friends)….WE’VE NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!!
What me and Jay do is so innocent, so pure, and SO not THAT. I guess it was just bothersome that people were projecting these ideas on us and neither of us has gone there. It’s really not b/c neither of us want to go there, it’s just b/c we’re such good friends and risking that friendship is just too risky. Although, I won’t promise that we’ll “never” go there, but I promise..if we do, you guys will be the first to know! haha That's been one of my biggest problems with being around Jay’s collegues. If I’m out walking with him in public and someone he knows sees us, its like --Oh SHIT, they're f***ing. I really hate that mentality; the insecurity people have that they project on others with ASSUMPTIONS.
A cyberspace Christmas Is a holiday divine With emails and messages I look forward to find Sending greetings With the click of a mouse Instantly connected From house to house Your internet friendship Is a gift to me That I won’t find at Christmas Under my tree For it's a personal gift Whenever I'm on line That brings my life laughter And makes the sun shine. From surfing to chatting To sending greetings of cheer Nothing seems to matter Whenever you are near Though connected through a cable Over distance, space and time There's no better friendship than those we meet on line. So for all of you on my downline May your holidays be bright And my one wish for Christmas Is that you won’t forget to write 
Just what about the holiday season makes it so depressing and unbearable for so many people? (myself included) As a child, this season brought mega anticipation of Santa Claus and wonderful gifts. Then as the years roll by, the anticipation for many people somehow turns to dread of overspending and to bittersweet memories of all the things they no longer have and of loved ones who no longer are with them. For people celebrating the holidays totally alone...or without a significant other, the season seems geared to celebrating it with that special someone and with a family oozing with holiday spirit. Each time I see that commercial that asks, "what would you do for love this Christmas?", it makes me want to vomit. Some bright advertising hotshot envisioned 2 people being separated at Christmas with impossible obstacles to overcome. Somehow and of course quite miraculously, they find their way to each other and of course, bearing great gifts for one another. Does that happen in real life? If not, it should. I applaud all those men who generously give of themselves at Christmas. I applaud those who see a need to keep the romance and passion alive because the woman they married is still worth that kind of effort. I applaud those fortunate families who have stayed together and get through the holidays lovingly together. For too many people December turns into a cruel reminder of what they no longer have. What may start out as a little self-pity turns to depression then in some cases that depression turns to suicidal thoughts. If you really want to get into the spirit of the season and adhere to the philosophy that "it's better to give than to receive", then do something that might really make a difference in someone's life. If you know someone who is alone or doesn't appear overflowing with a festive spirit, take the time to be a friend. Sometimes all it takes is a kind word or some small deed to make a person feel like they too are worthy of love and happiness during the holidays. Extend an invitation, give an anonymous gift or just act like you sincerely understand and care. Alienating that "grinch" is the worst thing that can happen to that person. They may appear to want to be left alone, but usually underneath that gruff exterior lies a person needing a visit from Santa Claus. 
It's lonliness but it's also excitement. today. I wish I could wrap everyone up in the warmest fuzzy blanket ever and kiss their worries and ailments away. I feel distracted but warm inside. Snuggly warm and hopeful.
There's so much sickness everywhere, be it physical, emotional, mental, what have you. sometimes it slithers it's way in ... like an old sock you were sure would never return and the matching other that had been thrown out months and months ago.
Last night I was keeping my "almost" two year old twin nieces. One of the girls wanted to watch The Polar Express while the other wanted to watch A Bugs Life. Needless to say, the one that pitches a fit when she doesn't get what she wants won the battle and we watched A Bugs Life. It made me think about that old Ant and Grasshopper story that we were all told when we were young. About the grasshopper that would always laugh and play while the ant worked and stored food, then when Winter came, the grasshopper was starving and cold, but the ant had all that stored food and shelter because he worked for it. Of course, everyone eventually learns that never was a truth at some time or another ...
But the ending got me thinking ... which ending do you tell the child you are telling to story to? Which lesson is more important to learn?
The grasshopper has no food, and the ant does coz he worked for it ... do you teach the child that the Ant had a good heart and shared the food with the grasshopper? This way you teach to be generous like the Ant... but you also teach the lesson that you don't really have to work, as long as you have some soft-hearted fool do the work for you, you can always mooch when you're in trouble.
Or do you teach that the grasshopper dies of starvation and cold? This way you teach to not share coz you earned what you worked for. And that the work you do pays for itself: if you store food and prepare for the future, you will be self-rewarded ... if you don't prepare for anything and just piss-around, you're screwed!
Which is the more important lesson? To be self-reliant, or to be kind? To be able to survive through the hard work you do, or to survive by mooching off those who do the hard work?
Or do you meet it half-way? Do you tell the story's end in the way that the Ant offered the Grasshopper some food and shelter, but since the grasshopper had been out in the cold for so long, he freezes to death on the doorstep ... teaching the most important lessons all at once: Work and prepare for the future, Be generous, Don't always think others will do things for you.
But with people being so touchy about what we let kids know and what we keep from them these days, the whole idea of the freezing to death wouldn't be a good image - the Ant would then probably be called a Terrorist ... And so saying let's just turn our kids into lazy-heads who think they're okay because other people will do everything for them.
Who is that girl? Why does she hate me so much? She looks at me and she tells me I am disgusting, gross, ugly, fat, worthless, and not worthy of this world. She tells me to go away from her sight, to kill myself as I am not worthy of living. She tells me I am a fucking piece of shit and that I should go away and die! She tells me how much she hates me, she hits me, and she hits me again, over and over she beats me up , she beats me down. She cuts my face with her fingernails and pulls my hair, she punches me in my chest, arms, legs and face. Why does she hate me so much, what have I ever done to her to make her hate me so much? She wants to kill me, to torture me, to spit in my face, she says she can't stand to look at me , but she looks anyway and then tells me how ugly and horrid I am. Who is she? Why is she here? Go away and leave me alone.
She looks at me and she turns away, then she looks again and laughs.
She turns away then turns back for one last look,
and she hits me again... breaking the mirror.
I know most of you that keep tabs on my blog think I am truly a psycho and just can't be pleased. To be honest, that isn't SO far from the truth. So many things have been going on in my personal life lately, and sometimes...it's just a little more than I can handle. I know one day I will blog about something that has made me totally happy and full of enjoyable emotions, then there are others when I can't find anything positive to write. Lots of times, I just sit at the computer...staring...hoping the words will find me instead. The bipolar label that has been placed on me is beginning to make more and more sense, every day. I guess I was in denial before and hid behind the alcohol and drugs. (prescription drugs only..lol) This year, I'm trying so hard to remain upbeat because my family needs me desperately right now. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I find myself continuing to put on the happy face and pretend that I just have a simple case of the blues. Other times, I feel as if I'm not who I should be, but I never realize it until after the fact. I'm sure there are many people out there like me...some who know how to get through it with a struggle, others who do the best they can day by day...and then I'm sure there are many who find themselves in total isolation. Everyone deals w/ things differently. Right now, these are the moods I'm going through....not monthly, weekly, and usually not even daily. This time of year, it seems to be an hourly switch...most of the time, without me realizing it. First, there's the depression cycle. I doubt completely my ability to do anything well. It seems as though my mind has slowed down and burned out to the point of being virtually useless…. I'm haunted… with the total, the desperate hopelessness of it all…. Others say, "It's only temporary, it will pass, you will get over it," but of course they haven't any idea of how I feel, although they are certain they do. If I can't feel, move, think or care, then what on earth is the point? Then there is the hypomania cycle. I have to admit that this is the most enjoyable of all cycles. At first when I'm high, it's tremendous… ideas are fast… like shooting stars you follow until brighter ones appear…. All shyness disappears, the right words and gestures are suddenly there… uninteresting people, things become intensely interesting. Sensuality is pervasive, the desire to seduce and be seduced is irresistible. Your marrow is infused with unbelievable feelings of ease, power, well-being, omnipotence, euphoria… you can do anything… but, somewhere, without reason, this changes. I fall into the dreadful mania cycle. The fast ideas become too fast and there are far too many… overwhelming confusion replaces clarity… you stop keeping up with it—memory goes. Infectious humor ceases to amuse. Your friends become frightened…. everything is now against the grain… you are irritable, angry, frightened, uncontrollable, and trapped. I'm not sure if today has been part of the depressive cycle or the mania cycle...but I'm sure neither will last very long...at least i hope not!
ONLY 13 DAYS TO GO! Santa is happy & excited!!
I am OFF for the rest of the holidays!! Anyway, I think this may have been my most boring blog yet! But it's VERY cheerful and colorful, is it not?! ROFL!!
Happy Holidays!!!!
When the vibes of ones heart is what the other soul senses.... When the twinkle of ones eye is what shines in the other.... When the tenderness of ones torch sets the other ablaze.... You know it's Love!! ..the Beginning of something Beautiful~
i was chatting w/ a friend earlier and somehow during our conversation mentioned the idea of changing my screen name to daisy_head_mayzie. his response was, "wtf?" i have to admit that i was shocked that he had never heard of this book. he seems to be a pretty intelligent guy and many would probably argue the fact that his intelligence is the reason for never reading the book! hehe i, on the other hand, absolutely adore it. it represents a dream that the most of us have probably had at some point during life--to be unique, popular and famous. it gives kids the opportunity to explore the sacrifices one must pay to obtain popularity/fame. i probably owe my relationship to language to dr. seuss. although, i don't think many could truly call this a "dr. seuss" book, even though it has his name on the cover. apparently, he left the unfinished product in a drawer and was later found by his wife. (who quickly cashed in on the seuss name) oh well, he's dead now..so i guess that made it fair game. 
i wish i could be, i wish i didn't feel like i wanted to be, but i do and i wish i could change me, i wish i could feel me, i wish i could feel me. this is what i wish: i wish to internet all freaking day and laze and eat ice cream and i want it to be summer heat-y and muggy so i can't breathe. i wish to bathe my worries away, i want to fall asleep in water and kiss bubbles. i wish to smile and really mean it and live life and live life and live life! i wish to forget about things that don't matter. i wish to be mother, caretaker, lover, friend, dream-maker, healer, fine-tuner, to everyone and no one at once. i wish to listen to every song that's ever made me feel all at once at ungodly decibels i wish to let them see the real me. i wish to free the thinkers. i wish to float and smell and taste the ocean up close. i wish to paint a fence with the boys across the street. i wish to spend time with the first boy that made me feel pretty about me. i wish to stop thinking long enough to feel, sensibly. i wish to go away. come back. leave everything... be with everything else that is good. ughhhhhhhh!! stop it! quit it!! when did i start pretending? how do i start re-living?
you're being fucking ridiculous and you know it,
but why does this keep happeninngg????
Tears drop, droop...drumming, strumming, twiddling and pooling, growing mold. Thoughts are clumsy on my fingers, stiff piano keys I only knew how to magic music from in another life. And it's only because I try too hard. How fucked up is that?
No more consciousness streaming out free as ribbons; just stupid old me trying to tie them into something pretty and presentable when letting them go came so naturally before. Ribbons from a distance. Oh well. Someday they'll come back saying they never really left me even when I let go. They'll glimmer and snake around, dancing kisses up my spine to tickle my crown like new leaves. See? they'll whisper, no worries, love.
I love the weather so much. I am so hopeful at this point. I feel like something surreal and magical is going to happen and that all this new energy is going to carry me away. Rain and thunder, warm and lovable friends within reach, a strange conversation with my mom, four days left until Christmas break and some damn good Jose Cuervo Gold margaritas at hand to relax me a little bit more. And it didn’t even bother me that the Falcon’s lost today b/c UGA is going to the sugar bowl. Tailgating in the cold, misty air was SO worth it! 
Last night I realized that, for my entire life, the majority of my life has centered around searching for or running away from something….much like my dreams. When I'm relaxing or doing what makes me feel good, something prevents it from coming to fruition and I'm left stunted and unfulfilled. A new turn of events interrupts that scene and I'm back to running or searching again. Maybe it's difficult for me to feel at ease with the present. I'm always worrying about what will become of my life, about what direction I should follow or create for myself. Worrying and wondering what it is I need to move in the "best" direction, so much so that I stagnate in my own puddle of anxiety....uncertainty....most of all, insecurity. Inevitably, it's fear, fear of myself, of the present. It's never good enough and I feel unworthy to do anything right. I'm screaming and my mouth is at the center of a downward spiral. Rather than smile and let it take me where it takes me, I'm struggling and panicking the whole damn way. The signs and voices all seem to point me toward somebody. Jay, specifically. I'm guessing I should shut off all the dissuasive voices in my head and go with the flow. I should remember how I once was with happiness and ease with him…at a level beyond what someone in my situation should be capable. At least I'm finally aware, and willing to accept, that all is not well. Now I can finally do something about it. Focus on today. Understand why it is a MUST that we tailgate in the cold?! GO DAWGS!!
i may be rising sooner than i had expected: Jay <ndasurveillance@yahoo.com> wrote: Subject: see you tonight before the game Dear Tara, Another summer day With Love, Jay P.S. - No more airport good-byes!
Date: Fri, 2 Dec 2005 08:09:58
Has come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home
I may be surrounded by
A million people but I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know!
I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that
Another airplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
I’ve got to go home
Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home
I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
This was not your dream
But you always believed in me!!
Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home
And I’m surrounded by
A million people but I
Still feel alone
Oh, let me go home
Oh, I miss you, you know!!
Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It'll all be alright
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home!!!
Name: "peach"
Bday: july 12
Sign: cancer
yahoo contact: ugapeach04
[[ My Adores ]]
I love the fingers of a baby, the pads on a puppies paw, and I adore you if you love your mom! I love homemade ice-cream, bubblegum, daisies and handwritten things.
Food: pizza
Drinks: dr. pepper
Pastimes: music
People: diverse
[[ My Detests ]]
I hate feeling alone, feeling like I'm being chased, air blown directly in my face!
People: dramatic
Things: birds
Food: meats
[[ My History ]]
*loading*
today
December 2007
May 2007
December 2006
July 2006
April 2006
March 2006
February 2006
January 2006
December 2005
November 2005
October 2005
September 2005
August 2005
July 2005
June 2005
May 2005
April 2005
March 2005
February 2005
January 2005
December 2004
November 2004
October 2004
September 2004
August 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
February 2004
aheadau
AmericanGirl
banzai descent
Biggus Dickus
butterflys-flutter-bys
chester
foreverfooled
He eats peaches for love
in my life
intellectualsuperbeast
Mernie
mizlicious
rico
Smelt at school
techieidiot
the manda is nuts
The Missing Screw
the rucker
the saga continues
under surveillance
untitled
uponthesoapbox
[[ Credits ]]
