I experience stress when I feel that I have no control over a situation.  Sometimes it's an internally created stress...I HAVE to do this (which is "obligation"), and sometimes it's an externally imposed stress...I can't DO anything about this (which says "i'm the victim").  Regardless, it's a control issue.  I want to have control over the things that affect me, and when I don't feel in control, I get stressed out. 

Suicide was another ultimate power trip.  Sometimes I felt that the ONLY thing I truly had control over is whether to live or die.  How sad....how incredibly awfully sad....to be in a place where the only thing you feel you have control is in life itself. I chose between what I saw were three options: commit myself somewhere, kill myself, or get it together and find my way out.  Drugs, alcohol and a party lifestyle had sucked me dry and something was going to give with or without my conscious effort. 

At this pivotal point in my life I was failing to see the writing on the wall...I ignored the warning signs, my failing physical and emotional health...I felt stuck....I didn't see the options as clearly as I do now....and it almost cost me my life.  An overdose of prescription medication (unintentional, but nearly fatal none the less) bought me a trip to the ER and yet another chance.  While I was there I recognized my options and I wanted to live.   

We all lead such chaotic lives that we often fail to see the options that we have.  Perpetual stress over our situations and lack of control leave us exhausted and gasping for air.  We're slowly drowning in a complete lack of awareness.  There are options, they are right in front of our eyes, but we have convinced ourselves that we are powerless to do what needs to be done. 

So..for now..it's a new chapter of a new life.  It's time to stand up, take control, live for myself, and do what I need to do to feel WHOLE.  I heard a quote once that I absolutely love:  "You can be pitiful or powerful, but you can't be both."  I can be either/or...but I can't be both at the same time.   I'm feeling rather powerful at the moment and I intend to ride the crest of this wave for as long as is humanly possible.  I'm praying for a long run.....Lord knows I could use it!

I want to thank my circle of mo'pals for reading some of my most depressing blogs and allowing me to vent through my writing.  Your caring and friendship mean so much.  And for those of you who have been asking...Jay is here now and he's been beside me the entire way!